tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37676894608106845912024-03-04T20:08:46.043-08:00Diary of a Cancer CrusherI wear teal for me.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.comBlogger70125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-26455607086067347302015-06-08T14:59:00.003-07:002015-06-08T14:59:46.803-07:00Hate me now, but Love me laterBy all means, if you hate me for not updating my blog I understand. I can give you a brief update about my life. I finally graduated and I am writing a book that is will be a diary style book about my journey with cancer, love, school, and my life as a cancer crusher, before during and after. I don't plan on it being an inspirational book or anything it's just something I have been praying about for months now, and I finally have found my answer. Be prepared for the next chapters of my life, I know I am.<br />
<br />
<br />
XOXO,<br />
<br />
MarecyaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-21967932410710773482014-12-05T06:34:00.000-08:002014-12-05T06:40:39.433-08:000-2<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">There are a handful of people that know what I went
through this summer. How I let it affect me, how I am possibly still here and
at peace. They saw me break down over and over, and over again. Yet, still I've
made it to the end of yet another year. At one point I didn't believe I could
be broken anymore, and still I slid further and further. God was always on my
side, that doesn't mean it was a cakewalk. Sleep deprived, knees sore from
prayer and still I felt like I was dying. Finally I realized, life doesn't care
about you, about what you want, about what you deserve. It's all up to you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Three strikes and your out! That’s the rule of life
right, that’s what people say when they're fed up with you. Well what do you
tell life when your fed up with it? Have you ever just lost everything you have
had or have ever wanted? Have you ever been so fed up with life that you just
have no more fight in you to give? I think about people who fall into this
category. Expectant mothers who suddenly lose the child in their womb, cancer patients who
hear there is nothing we can do. I think about me. All these people that have
love and life ripped from their hearts, for what, for this game called
life? Adapt or die. As many times as we’ve
heard it, the lesson doesn’t get easier. Problem is, we’re human. We want more
than just to survive. We want success, we want love, we want honesty, and
happiness. We want to be the best we can be so we fight like hell to get those
things, because as humans we know what we want and when we don't have
those things we want, and everything else feels like death.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><span style="color: #262626;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"> Sometimes, things are simply out of your control.
You can't change them. You can't bend them to your will. It doesn't matter if
you're already forty-five minutes late, your hair isn't brushed, you haven't
fixed breakfast and you're killing brain cells by the second while you sit
here. Dying, dying inside you can't change the way things pan out.
Sure you can hope for the best but honestly hoping for the best never gets me
very far in life. Hoping for the best is not preparing for the worst and
preparing for the worst is the best thing you can do sometimes. Think about it,
what if we all factored in the worst-case scenario in our daily
lives, and interactions. When everything hits the fan I don't think we would be
as shocked or hurt that our lovers cheated on us, our bodies betrayed us, the
friends we thought we had turned their backs on us, or my personal favorite the
universe just simply hates us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"> <span style="color: #262626;">So what do you do? How
do you decide when you’re left in the dark? How do you make sure you’re not
making the worst decision of your life? How do you decide when you've had
enough? You close your eyes. You block out everyone and everything around you.
You pray the voice inside of you is right, because once you’ve decided you
can’t ever go back. </span><span style="color: #00001b;">It might be hard
for anyone to admit, but there's no shame in simply being human. It can be a
relief to stop hiding, to accept who you really are. A little self-awareness
never hurt anyone. Because when you know who you are, it's easier to know what
you're about, and what you really need. It's easy to know that you need someone
to help you through the rough patches. To ease you through the game, but what
do you do when you don't have that? When you have no fight in you but they
sympathy from others rolls in. Do you fight, or do you remain content with the
idea that you've done your job?</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><span style="color: #00001b;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #00001b; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"> When your 0-2 how do you get the
next win? How do you attempt to tie the score? Moving forward what do you
do? </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Whenever we think we know the future, even for a second,
it changes. Sometimes the future changes quickly and completely and we’re left
only with the choice of what to do next. We can choice to be afraid of it. To
stand, trembling, not moving. Assuming the worst that can happen or we step
forward into the unknown and assume it will be brilliant. So what do you
do, plan for the worst and hope for the best pretending like the worst can't
happen, or do you remain aware of all possible options?</span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">XOXO,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Marecya<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-18095035976031201792014-09-02T11:18:00.001-07:002014-09-02T11:18:12.695-07:00We're Back At It Like We Never Left<div style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #45818e;">Did you know: Approximately 60% of women diagnosed with ovarian cancer are already in stage 3 when they are diagnosed.</span></b></div>
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Since September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month, my sister, owner of Elan Renegade Vintage, is offering "Teal Deals" all month long to bring awareness to this silent killer. </div>
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The Elan Renegade Vintage online shop features timeless attire for days on the job, evenings out on the town, and romantic weekends. The shop offers vintage clothing including dresses, skirts, pants, shorts, blouses, and jackets ranging in style and print from floral to leather. Accessories including hats, bags, shoes, and jewelry are also sold in the shop from eras as far back as the 50s. Shop Elan Renegade Vintage for the perfect vintage addition to your wardrobe.</div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">This week, use the code </span><span style="color: #45818e;"><b>TEALDEAL60</b></span><span style="color: #222222;"> for 60% off your purchase. Check back next week to learn more and to score another sweet "Teal Deal."</span></div>
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XOXO,</div>
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Marecya</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-14588150015914892042014-05-19T07:44:00.000-07:002014-05-19T07:45:15.329-07:00Can you say AMAZING!!!!!From surgery to recovery back to surgery again there is one person I can say I don't deserve for them to be so nice to me, because I'm a pain in the butt. Jayde A. Gavin better know as Jay, also known as my ying to my yang, my left brain, my other half, my rib, my sugar lumps, my heart, my loving boyfriend has put up with my lack there of health from the beginning Okay, I know you all are probably dying for the story with this guy, so i'll dish. 3 years ago I was a working woman on a life mission and I was motivated by money. I had 2 jobs one at the USDA, and the other at Texas Roadhouse. I was smart my government job was the money I saved and Texas Roadhouse was my play money.<br />
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So one day while I was at Texas Roadhouse ready to gouge my eyes out counting down the hours till work was over. Then I hear excuse me, the first thought that popped in my mind was he needs steak sauce. I turned around to see this guy (Jay) on crutches, I asked how could I help him. He simply stated he wanted nothing but to tell me I was beautiful, as I blushed I thanked him and he walked away with the help of his crutches. Well to make a long story short he was transferring from VCU to Bowie State to play basketball...of course it would only be right that he meets the cheerleader. So I pretty much ignored his whole life the whole summer I never returned his calls or texts. Now fast forward to the beginning of the semester i'm walking through the gym, now who do you all think I see, of course I see Jay working out. We talked for a while everything was cool he was excited about the season and I was refreshed that he seemed so different.<br />
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Over the next few months we became pretty good friend talking each other through life struggles relationship issues, school stress, our respective team drama. I learned he was a genuine person who once he called you a friend he would do anything he could for you. My point is that when you have amazing people in your corner you can do anything under the sun, and he has been nothing but AMAZING! Jay needs an award because he has truly been a blessing through everything. From the beginning he spent the long hours in the hospital with me entertaining me, bringing me my craved foods and being the shoulder I cried on when I was frustrated. My first surgery he stayed in the hospital all day with me. During my recovery he became my designated baby sitter, because my mom hated leaving me alone.<br />
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My second surgery he did the same thing, the night before my surgery I threw a huge fit when he was about to leave because I didn't want him to leave me that bad and even though he had workouts in the morning he stayed and we slept in the twin sized hospital bed. I was comfortable, him on the other hand not so much. The next six days I was in the hospital so was he, whatever I needed he gave me. Of course my family has been there for me, but they kind of have to Lol. Jay on the other hand could have rolled out a long time ago.<br />
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The blessing in disguise I like to call him to my friends because he always wakes up think how can I put a smile on her face, and through all of it he has stayed by my side. I am a pain in the butt. I whine, I throw fits, i had nasty attitudes that makes it impossible for almost anyone to have the patience to deal with me. I fuss and fight with him, but at the same time it amazes me how much he loves me and how much he wants to be here for me. To sum it all up the lesson I'm trying tell ya'll is that when people come into your life its for a reason.<br />
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Trust and believe Jay and i had our fare share of drama and at one point in the past 3 years I wished I had never met him, because he was draining me of all life I had in me. Now in hindsight I wouldn't change a thing we have such a strong bond because of everything we have been through with each other, and for each other that has shaped our relationship to what it is today. Moral of the story you never know what or who your blessing is until life gets real and you see who is not only in your corner, but there to stay.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-17617646225631804652014-05-19T07:41:00.000-07:002014-05-19T08:03:52.902-07:00Oh. Hey y'all !!!Okay so I know you all hate my life because I have not posted since the 4th, but I did for some reason it posted under the dates I drafted which were in January, super random yeah I know I'm going to get my life together for you all. Okay! Now let me fill you in on the rest of the week of chemo last week. It was HORRIBLE! I was sick, and irritable the entire week, I had my usual Wednesday temper tantrum, but Thursday was the absolute worst day of my life. I'm not even being dramatic. I had my wig appointment which went well. Me my mom and my sister acting silly trying on wigs was just the laugh I needed to begin the morning, too bad chemo was going to absolutely SUCK! I had Lakisha put in my IV because she understands that I have rolling veins and I need special attention (I know i'm a total drama queen, but really my veins are rolling.) and then I felt like this -___________-<br />
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I really don't know what happened, or why I felt so nasty, so fast but it was the worst day I had in a while. Not to mention that chemo took FOREVER! It was a long, very slow day. The car ride home, ehh ... not much better. Once I got home I just assumed my position in the couch, and hoped for the best, too bad I only got the worst. So from the terrible Thursday you would assume I was excited for Friday, not really I was more so excited to get my IV removed after chemo, and to be honest I was secretly hoping the sky would open and a gigantic crater would fall on the Sidney Kimmel Cancer Center, and they would tell me chemo is canceled.<br />
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However,the universe wasn't quite aligned the right way so I went to chemo with a better attitude and did it ever pay off. I climbed up into the daybed ready to go straight to sleep and about 30 minuets into chemo I have someone that wants to meet me. Her name was Ali and she is making a documentary about cancer. So I told her my life story she instantly was intrigued by my journey we talked for about 2 hours before she left in attempts to get back to New York before the snow storm. Then before I knew it chemo was over, and I was a happy camper. But Friday when I got home, oh boy did it go bad. So you guys remember my cute little short cut, yeah it was holding on to dear life, and I started putting make-up on my scalp because I was getting a little thin. It was working though until my scalp was on FIRE because the make up was caked up on my scalp so Courtney decided we should wash my hair. Let me be the first to tell you the worst idea on the face of the planet. My hair fell all the way out. I cried and went directly to sleep.<br />
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The next morning I woke up, put a turban on, called Jay and off to the MAC counter we went. I told the girl at the MAC counter I had cancer, my hair is falling out because of chemo and I need to buy some make-up so I can feel better about myself. That mission was accomplished wonderfully. Now on Tuesday I must say I had the best surprise ever. That was from my doctors office. They sent me a beautiful basket of gifts All Teal :) so when I went to go drop by with a thank you card it was a true pleasure to see everyone supporting me by wearing teal ribbons. Ann even cut her already short hair a little shorter just for me. I know I say this in almost every post but I truly am amazed every single day by the support that I get every where I go. It is truly only the thing that keeps me going. So thank you everyone who has ever said a kind word to me or wished me well you have no idea how you are making me stronger everyday.<br />
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XOXO,<br />
Marecya<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-51124520012762827022014-05-19T07:26:00.000-07:002014-05-19T09:39:23.732-07:00Life's Accidents, and Lessons.<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times;">Dying changes everything. There’s the emotional
fall out, sure, but there’s also the practical stuff. Who’s going to do your
job? Who’s going to take care of your family? The only good thing for you is
you don’t have to worry about it. If
only life was just a dress rehearsal and we had time for do-overs. We’d be able
to practice and practice every moment until we got it right. Unfortunately, everyday
of our lives is its own performance. It seems like even when we get the chance
to rehearse and prepare and practice, we’re still never ready for life’s grand
moments. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">Have you ever wished you had known someone just by
the way people talk about them, with such eloquence and grace? 2
years ago I was able to meet someone who I had heard nothing but praises
about for the Past year and a half. Jay introduced me to him mom 2 years ago.
Although she passed in 2009, the energy I felt that day was seemingly unreal.
Today as I’m remembering someone I only knew post humanous I can't
help but feel somewhat dejected that those are as far as my memories go of
someone I have heard was so amazing. Have you ever been somewhere and you
know you were supposed to be right there yeah that’s exactly what I was feeling
like I was gaining knowledge from a great legend. As we sat down for a moment
to spend time with her I thought down the line as to when I become a mother,
how will I know the right thing to do or say to my child, will my child grow up
hating me or will we be best friends. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">They say becoming a parent is one of the most
rewarding yet draining jobs in the world. I can only imagine. Then I realized
its not always about will I be doing the right thing. It's about love, the love
you have for your child, and your family that will keep you doing the right
thing time and time again. There are times in our lives when love really does
conquer all. Exhaustion, sleep deprivation, anything. There are also those
times when it seems love brings us nothing but pain, and we’re always looking
for ways to ease the pain. Sometimes we ease the pain by making the best of
what we have. Sometimes it’s by losing ourselves in a moment and sometimes, all
we need to do to ease the pain is call a simple truce.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times;"> Making mistakes is the easy part fixing them
is where the difficulty comes in. Loving, and learning how to love better is
the class we all fail occasionally. At the end of the day when it comes
down to it, all we really want is to be close to someone. A parent, child,
friend, or companion. So we do this thing, where we all keep our distance and
pretend not to care about each other, it’s usually a load of bull. We become
defensive, we pick and choose who we want to remain close to and once we’ve
chosen those people, we tend to stick close by them. No matter how much we hurt
them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the
ones worth keeping and sure sometimes close can be too close but sometimes that
invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need. They say
death is hardest on the living. It’s tough to actually say goodbye. Sometimes
it’s impossible. You never really stop feeling the loss. It’s what makes things
so bittersweet. We leave little bits of ourselves behind, little reminders. A
lifetime of memories, photos, trinkets. Things to remember us by even when were
gone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times;">No matter how many plans we make or steps we
follow, we never know how our day is going to end up. We prefer to know, of
course, whatever curve balls are coming our way. It’s the accidents that always
turn out to be the most interesting parts of our days and ever more our life.
The people we never expected to show up, and the turn of events we would have
never chosen or ourselves. All of a sudden, you find yourself somewhere you
would have never expected to be and it’s nice or it takes some getting used to.
So you go to sleep each night thinking about tomorrow, going over your plans,
making your lists and hoping that, whatever accidents come your way, will be
happy ones. I’m hoping these life accidents are happy ones.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">XOXO,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">Marecya</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-13535439584357443292014-04-29T19:33:00.002-07:002014-05-19T08:02:28.553-07:00See You laters, Goodbyes and the Grief Between the Two.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Times New Roman";">There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of
us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">2
years ago today I was fresh out of the hospital, and I had a horrible fall in
the shower while trying not to sneeze because my cut was still so fresh that I
did anything not to use my abdominal muscles. Horrible day. 1 year ago today a
seamless trip to Farmville, Virginia, yeah I know where in the hell is that,
well it's in West Bubble, but anyways I was going with Auntie Yvette to check
on her mommy. I packed a quick bag a hopped in Uncle Jeff's new truck to go see
about the pretty lady name Evelyn. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The 4-hour ride Auntie Yvette and I did our
usual gossip and other mischievous things. Then a call came from the surgeon on
call that was about to operate on Ms. Evelyn. Everything quickly turned upside
down almost instantly. I still to this day don't know how we went from a trip
to check on Ms. Evelyn to a life threatening surgery so quickly. The rest of
the ride was somber, mid way there we traded and I drove while Auntie Yvette
rested, called her sister Karen and tried to prepare her self for bad news, not
knowing neither of us could prepare for what was coming. When we got to the
hospital she was already in surgery and we played the waiting game. Me, Auntie
Yvette, and Ms. Evelyn's friend Ms. Dot sat waiting until she came out of
surgery. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Somewhere around 2 am she came out of surgery and that woman was not
the woman I knew. The doctor told us that the next several hours were a
critical period and were her post op care was crucial to her survival. We
prayed a lot cried a little, and went to Ms. Evelyn's house to clean up and
rest for a while. After getting things in order at the house Auntie Yvette and
Ms. Dot settled on the couch to rest and I went into the infamous AKA shrine
room to close my eyes under the pink and green adorned room. It seemed as just
at I was closing my eyes under the covers in bed Auntie Yvette screaming peeled
my eyes wide open, that’s when I knew something bad happened. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Auntie Yvette was
on the floor crying and Ms. Dot sat in disbelief, the hospital called to say
her heart stopped beating and she was on a respirator that was breathing and
working for her. Her organs were failing and her body had gone into septic
shock. Her insides were failing from the poisonous waste being spilled in her
body. She was dying and there was nothing anyone of us could do about it. An
Advanced Directive is a legal document that you cannot deter from in any shape
or form what is on that document does. Along with that was a very explicit Do
Not Resuscitate order. The DNR Ms. Evelyn signed was so specific it would scare
anyone who read it, and Auntie Yvette made it very clear that if we did not
obey it Ms. Evelyn would come back and haunt us. She was dead serious about
that, and I believed her. She passed later on that morning, and at that was the
moment that defined me as a niece. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">At that moment 4 hours away from our
families I became the back bone to my aunt, my grown aunt that I looked up to
for years needed me, the same aunt that every time I needed something I looked
to her at that moment she needed me more that she ever could have needed anyone
else. At that moment I realized I was growing more then anyone could know. We
wrapped our business at the hospital went back to the house and the first thing
Yvette L. Gray said is she had a teleconference. I never looked at anyone so
sideways at my life, and then I realized this woman is the same person as I am.
If you know me you know I will do anything not to think about my latest life
shambles. Well so does she, she puts things in the back of her mind until she
is ready to deal with them, she has a slight case of OCD, she was going to
break at any moment, and I was her glue. After exhaling I began to take control
of the situation. I produced the agenda for the day; we showered for the day
and began to plan a funeral. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Now if anyone knows my Auntie Yvette you know she
goes OVER THE TOP FOR EVERYTHING! Like seriously, everything we had a moon
bounce and like 200 eggs for 6 kids on Easter Sunday. So we already know how
this funeral was going to go. It was going to be perfect. I confiscated her
phone and was her driver in Farmville the rest of the day, well I mean she had to
give me directions everywhere but you get the point. After a grueling day of
life smacking us in the face we began our journey home. She was not okay, and
neither was I. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">When we finally got home she dropped me off I walked in
the house went directly to my room and I cried. I cried because I don't
understand why my family seems to not catch a break. From my cancer to this,
from Markus having trouble in school to that, from Courtney trying to be the
one keeping us siblings together our parents were clearly stressed, and this
was not something she or I needed, or was it? This past year has been tough but
the bond between my aunt and I truly has become so unreal. If I don't speak
with her 3 times a week something is wrong, she calls me first with her
toughest life problems. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Me, her 22-year-old niece I am her life coach, and she
is mine. I have learned more from her in this one year than I have over the
course of our aunt/niece relationship and we have been exactly what each other
needed at the exact moment we have needed it every single time. Don't y'all see
how God can have somebody in your life for years and you don't see his or her
purpose until way later. See at this point I’m preaching way better then y'all
saying Amen. LOL! </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">The dictionary defines grief
as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp
sorrow; painful regret. As people we’re taught to learn from and rely on books,
on definitions, on definitives. But in life, strict definitions
rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bear
little resemblance to mourning.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #1a1a1a;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #1a1a1a;"> This year has taught me this very important lesson. </span></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks
different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve - it’s life, it’s
loss, it’s change, and when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has
to hurt so bad, the thing we have to try to remember is that it can turn on the
drop of a dime. That folks, that’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much
you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one-day,
somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief
comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. </span><br />
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">The really crappy thing,
the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do
is try to let ourselves feel it, when it comes, and try like hell to let it go
when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it,
it starts all over again. Always, every time, it takes your breath away. There
are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are
always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression, and finally, Acceptance.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Times New Roman";">Rest In Perfect Peace Evelyn Williams</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Times New Roman";">XOXO,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "Times New Roman";">Marecya</span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-29661357050939290842014-04-05T06:19:00.001-07:002014-05-19T08:00:38.294-07:00Recya made it #2years<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">There’s an end to every storm. Once all the trees have been uprooted, once all the houses have been ripped apart, the wind will hush. The clouds will part. The rain will stop. The sky will clear in an instant and only then, in those quiet moments after the storm, do we learn who was strong enough to survive it. Failure is inevitable, unavoidable but failure should never get the last word. You have to hold on to what you want. You have to not take no for an answer and take what’s coming to you. Never give in, never give up. Stand up. Stand up and take it. Sometimes, the key to making progress is to recognize how to take that very first step. Then you start your journey. You hope for the best and you stick with it, day in and day out. Even if you’re tired, even if you want to walk away, you don’t. Why don’t you, because you are a pioneer. But nobody ever said it’d be easy. Hell if it was I wouldn't be sitting her 2 years later blogging about how hard it really is.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> Reflecting on the last two years is something I genuinely HATE to do. Everyone sees this little fighter and they see the smile I have kept through it all but very few have seen the pain behind the smile. I have found happiness in the little things like my hair that has finally grown back, we all know that my life was in shambles when I was losing my hair, but the hair growth that is coming back is to DIE for. But really what is supposed to make you happy after you go through two surgeries, cancer, and chemo. I lost a freaking ovary, had another surgery because my tumor was a stubborn and decided to grow back, went to chemo lost all my hair, had the summer from hell because my cancer still hated me, finally got what I think I wanted and got back in school and I still don't feel fulfilled. Call me crazy but sometimes I think things were sometimes easier when I was in chemo and I knew exactly what was going to do every day of the week. I was going to John Hopkins for Chemotherapy. It was so simple, and the worst part was that it made sense. Ask most people what they want out of life and the answers simple, to be happy. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Maybe it’s this expectation, though… The wanting to be happy, that just keeps us from ever getting there. I've thought over the last year maybe I am not happy, because I just want to be happy again so bad. But then I realized something I no longer look at the world all prim and proper. It’s a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, healthy life. As children, we’re told to smile. And be cheerful. And put on a happy face. As adults we’re told to look on the Bright-side, and see glasses as half-full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part, though. Your hope can fail, boyfriends cheat, friends can disappoint, and people can get cancer. It’s in these moments, when you just need to get real with yourself, drop the act, and be your true, scared, unhappy self. Life will knock you down but you still have to get back up and fight I’ve said it once and I will say it before cancer is unbiased it does not care about your gender, ethnicity, socio-economic status, family history or you. It could care less what you look like if you’re a good person or not, like any ruthless serial killer there is the main purpose is to kill. If it’s life, spirits, joy, happiness, killing is the main objective. So what do you do? You gear up for battle and prepare to fight in the most epic war of your life. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Cancer is nothing more than a war between you and life. Some of these wars result in complete and total victory. Some war’s end with a peace offering, and some war’s end in hope. But all the wars you will fight and have in life are nothing compared to the most terrifying war of all. The one you have yet to fight. For me it’s the war I am fighting knowing that any day anything can happen. And even though that’s the scariest part, it has yet to hinder me from doing what I want when I want. The ride has been one with plenty of turbulence; all I did was put on my seatbelt. I smile, I frown, I roll my eyes I have entire breakdowns, and I still push forward every day. Am I 100% happy? No. But then again who really is? Am I happy I have breath in my lungs and laughter in my spirit and love in my heart? Yes. The desires of my heart will come until then I relish in my accomplishments, and my daily struggles, because those are what truly set me apart from the rest, and those are what truly make me unique.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> A year ago I hated everything that was happening to me, now I still hate it but I move along with it. I take life’s blows and I give cancer the meanest middle finger I have, flip the little bit of hair I do have and seize the day. Gratitude. Appreciation. Giving thanks. No matter what words you use, it all means the same thing. Happy. We’re supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family, happy to just be alive… whether we like it or not. Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude… has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing… is reason enough to celebrate. Celebrating 2 more years I wasn't supposed to live ;)</span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Marecya</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-88296333203449917042014-03-27T08:21:00.001-07:002014-05-19T07:59:34.217-07:00My Friends In The Most Unlikely PlacesFunny thing is the people you lease expect are some of the ones on the same exact page as you. I woke up this morning on the WRONG side of the bed, in a horrible mood, and even after my cry in the shower I still wasn't feeling today. So I pulled my brand new Calvin Klein dress out the closet put it on fluffed all 6 inches of my newly grown hair, beat my face and got in the car to head to work. The ride was terrible. Nobody understands unless you have gone or are currently going through an illness like cancer. Today is not my day, and although I walked into my office smiling I honestly just wanted to be back home in my bed under my covers hiding from the world. Yes, for all you smart asses out there I know hiding under the covers won't make my cancer magically disappear, however it always makes me feel better even if it's only for a little while. Just then in the nick of time I was reminded i'm not the only one.<br />
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Contrary to my own belief cancer does not have a personal vendetta against me. Cancer hates EVERYBODY! I was reminded by one of my peers that is at the same point I am, She reminded me I am the strongest solider. These trials and tribulations I go through are not pointless and although I keep getting knocked down, I keep standing back up. No matter how long it takes I STAND BACK UP! Life is hard regardless, and it's not going to get any easier. The one thing I have realized that my life is so amazing it's clearly being targeted by the devil. Your probably reading this with your eyes wide open now, just level with me for a moment folks. I've realized that I am blessed beyond measure and somehow someway the Lord keeps blessing me.<br />
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Each time more abundantly then the time before. Sometimes I wonder why or how, but he does. My prayers get answers, not always the answers I want but they get answers. Knowing that they're the answers from God I know they're the right one. Now if you saw all that happening wouldn't you want that good karma. I'm convinced the devil wants to steal all my good karma so he can get back into heaven... okay I'm reaching now BUT I clearly have something he wants. The Lord is most definitely on my side. By now I know its cliche but God really does give his strongest all the burden. I've accepted the fact that I am crazy now thanks to cancer and chemo my brain is fried. Somehow I am very sane. I have received clarity from many things, situations, and people and I can truly say I have been blessed with what I have. To my friend with the kind words remain encouraged this battle we fight is not one that can be fought alone.<br />
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Thank you for standing with me on my fight and know our blessings are coming for our faithfulness and patience. Lastly when you have everything taken from you then and only then you realize what really was important and what never was. Wine was always important, Stress never was.<br />
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XOXO,<br />
MarecyaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-73565374054491603772014-03-12T07:22:00.001-07:002014-05-19T07:58:36.464-07:00Screaming for sanityThe entire month of February has royally sucked. I have had no time for any type of sanity or personal time and feel myself being stretched so thin. I really don't think anyone realizes how much sleep I need and rest and I need. I think most people including myself believe that I can just run the streets rapid and nothing will happen to me.<br />
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Being a sickly person is irritating in all perfect honesty. Yes, I know what your probably thinking. If she's so tired then why don't you go to sleep or get some rest. It's much easier when I run myself into the ground, I don't have to think about my life issues. I can put a lot of things behind me. I really don't know why I feel this way all the time but sometimes it just makes things easier. I probably sound extremely redundant but who knows.<br />
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I need a break, I really need a break from my life, my health, my friends, my family. I know it sounds bad but I really want to crawl into a hole and disappear.<br />
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XOXO,<br />
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MarecyaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-87480211690749957992014-02-02T17:02:00.001-08:002014-05-19T07:58:16.384-07:00Lead, Follow, Or...So here I am a year later from the beginning of my blog and I can't even tell you how many friends I have lost and enemies I have gained. I never thought having cancer was soothing to be envious. I mean lets be real - I was bald, yes my hair is growing back but its a bush, there really is nothing cute about that. Thats aside from the fact that people just always assume my life is sunshine and bunny rabbits. I know I always have a smile on, however sorry to burst everyones bubble but that is not the case.<br />
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When your diagnosed with somthing like cancer even when people think your life is back to normal its not. Cancer is not like getting shot or falling off a bike where as your injured you have surgery and you get well. It's a constant battle between life and death and cancer is always trying to win. You have to stay away from cancer foods, and cancer causing agents because you already have higher chance to get cancer again. Most of all I hate when people say I use cancer as a crutch. WTF?!?!?! A crutch, you have got to be kidding me. I have two surgeries, chemo, I'm bald headed Susie for a year and people think I enjoy being sick.<br />
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In reality people who don't face what we survivors face have some nerve chiming in on what we experience . I rarely use the word hate but I HATE when outsiders claim to know the feeling. The smiles we put on for you all is so that you don't treat us like contagious aliens. Yet still somehow someway we are still the ones who want to be sick. I really wish people were less jerks, and more considerate of how even though we may smile our lives may be in complete shambles.<br />
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Regardless of how people may make it seem we do not use cancer as a crutch, it just is what is it. Contrary to popular belief it does in fact consume most of our lives, and if you can't get with that then you should really get out of the way. If you cannot be 100% supportive through the good, bad, the ugly, and the unthinkable then you should really reconsider being in any of our lives. I'm all for people supporting me on my journey, but really people lets be real this is some heavy stuff that everyone is not cut out for. So if you don't want to hear me when I am depressed, and only would like to be with me when I am uplifting, you may exit stage left. When it comes down to it we have, can and will stand without those who are not meant to be bystanders through cancer.<br />
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So you can pick, you can lead us, follow us or get the hell out the way.<br />
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XOXO,<br />
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MarecyaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-57078905082500729252014-01-18T11:34:00.001-08:002014-05-19T07:57:35.897-07:00I have a dreamWhen I was 3 years old I recited the I have a dream speech by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. My favorite part of the speech is toward the end Dr. King writes in his speech "Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.
And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream today!"<br />
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My dreams oh all of my dreams. I have a dream today that this world we live in will become united, that things like cancer didn't exist and homeless people where no longer existing. My dreams stretch further than my own personal problems, however my dreams are all parallel to those of Dr. King. The idea that America is still not quite there drives me crazy. I have a dream that I will graduate from Bowie State, go to law school and be an amazing wife, mother, and professional. I have a dream I will never have to hear the word cancer again after chemo.<br />
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I have a dream that the things the my heart desire were easily obtained. I have a dream that every human body were treated equally. I have a dream that the world were color blind and the amount of money meant nothing compared to the love and compassion you carried in your heart. I have these dreams that the world is going to become a better place and one day we the people will be united. Until they become reality I will continue to dream.<br />
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XOXO,<br />
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MarecyaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-71530906306101276142014-01-13T15:41:00.000-08:002014-01-13T15:41:32.127-08:00Fresh year, same start.Here we are back in at it, I'm sorry I've been gone folks but I have really been trying to get my life together and I realized it's in shambles because I haven't been blogging and getting my thoughts out on paper and I am so sorry for my lack of consistance. Nevertheless I have began my road to healing for 2014. I am not all the way there but cancer will still not be something to defeat me. Blood work early Wednesday morning wish me luck :)<br />
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xoxo,<br />
MarecyaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-54199864201096267792013-12-08T14:27:00.001-08:002014-05-19T07:56:41.932-07:00Are you ready?What a week it has been for me. Brandons' funeral was so touching and beatuiful at the same time. I took so many things from the time I spent in Pennsylvania. The most important thing I took was cancer cannot dwell in people who refuse to let it ruin the love they expell from their hearts, mind, and souls. You see when you have faith in God you already know everything will be alright.You see people tend to think we need all these extra things in life. Nope. All you need is Faith, Hope, and Love. Those are the greatest things of life. Without those things you will not live a life that you are content with. We have already established the things that cancer does, and we all know That cancer sucks ass.<br />
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The things that it can't do is ruin a beatuiful person. Anyone knows a beatuiful person when you see one, and really sick people are some of themost beatuiful spirits you will ever meet. I can whole heartedly say Brandon was a beautiful spirit, as well as his entire family was made of beautiful people. I had been under so much stress between school, work, family, and just life that I was begining to forget these things. God will never leave me out in the cold. He may let you feel the wind and rain but he will always be right behind you shielding you from the actual storm. Tim Johnson former Washington Redskin delivered a short eulogy his main question was Are you ready? He was asking are you ready to die, because the biggest moment in all of our lives are when we die. As I thought about his question I asked my self was I ready to die. My initial answer was no. Let's be clear Im still in college, haven't held my dream job, havent bought my Olivia Pope burberry trench coat. I am not ready. Then as he explained the question in detail, my thought process changed. Have I been a blessing to those in and around my life to the best of my ability? Yes. Have I shared the gospel of Jesus Christ? Yes. Do I believe? Yes. So why am I trippin off these earthly possessions.<br />
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Truthfully God has something way better then anything I can be offered here on earth. Eternal Life. When I start to think about it like that school, life, work, cancer. All of these are small things to be conquered. The day I can stand and I say I have conquered every obstacle that has decided to stand before me will be a truly great day, but the day I get to meet Jesus will be an even greater one. Picture that being told well done for your work by the Almighty. So why are we sweating the small stuff, exactly no reason at all. This holiday season is a tough one for me but trust and believe it will not stop me being a blessing to anyone in every way shape and form that I can. So you ask how do I stay so positive when my world is crashing down. I tell myself one simple thing, He said he woule NEVER put more on me then I can bear.<br />
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Marecya</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-8164014850454877772013-11-28T15:05:00.001-08:002014-05-19T07:55:25.919-07:00What do you have to be thankful for???What do you have to be thankful for? Life, your health, your loved ones? What does thankful even mean. Sometimes I don't even know what to be thankful for and then I take a breath. When I look back on the past 2 years of my life I don't have anything to be thankful for I have cancer, lets be real. Then I pause and reflect and I have so much to be thankful for. I have cancer and I hate that it consumes my life, but I have a life. I have a life to live, and I have people to make me smile. I have classes to go to and shoes to save up for. I am THANKFUL for My lord and savior for keeping me through my storms. If I told you how many times I didn't want to continue in life you would probably be shocked.<br />
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Yesterday someone I love and admire very much told me I wish you were actually this strong person you portray yourself to be sometimes. It clicked right there I know I stay strong for everone else but I never stay strong for myself. I never take the time to tell Marecya that it's going to be okay. Mentally I am scarred and I need someone to remind me I am normal. I legit feel crazy sometimes, but oddly enough that's what I am thankful for. It reminds me that I am normal to not be okay, because if all that I have been through has not made me a little crazy then, something is wrong. So I give thanks for my struggle and my story. I am thankful for my suffering durring my cancer. I am thankful for my internal issues. I am thankful to God that I have a story and I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for my cancer.<br />
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Most of all I'm thankful for God keeping me through it all and never once letting me down.<br />
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XOXO,</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-21764263066440314572013-11-26T07:12:00.001-08:002014-05-19T07:54:49.709-07:00Rest on Brandon ReamThe other day we lost a friend, son, brother, husband, and fighter while. God gained a solider in his army. This summer while I worked at Woodward Camp I met Brandon Ream. He was the son of Gary Ream who is one of the men behind the vision of Woodward Camp. Brandon like me also had cancer and OMG was he inspiring. You all think I make you feel good, Brandon made even me feel like cancer wasnt the worst thing ever. He would ask how things were going with me I would say Ehhh... they could be better, not the best but i'm making it work.<br />
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He would always find the right words to say to me to lift my spirits, always reminding me I was in it to win it. Theres a special bond between those with cancer and unlike most we don't really know a whole lot about eachother while still knowing everything. Were Brandon and I best friends no not at all, but from the many times we interacted over the times he spent time at Woodward I learned something about him he was a truly selfless person. When you have cancer its so easy to be a selfish person, but not Brandon he was truly the one who would still be thinking about other people while he was going through his own battles in life.<br />
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His friends and family will truly miss him and remeber the battle he fought was a damn good one. Thankful for the time we spent and the laughter shared. God has a special way of bringing people through things and we can not speak on them until they happen. Over the summer during an evening golf cart conversation Gary asked me "Why do god things happen to great people, You, Brandon and Sam, all amaing people. Why you all?" I simply replied to him, "we are the ones who God placed in people's lives to make the biggest impact. Our struggles inspire others, our hardships bring families together and do things that others cannot do.<br />
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We are the one's God decided could take and handle the extra weight and make it worthwhile." Gary smiled at me and simply said "yes, your right." We mourn the loss of a loved one, but rejoice that God has given Brandon's loved ones their own personal gaurdian. There are many things I can say about him, however I will leave it at a great fighter gone too soon, however the impact he left was remarkable. I fight for me, I fight for my family and friends, and now I fight for Brandon too.<br />
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To my woodward family Love is what we need to remember the love we all shared for Brandon Ream.</div>
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XOXO,</div>
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Marecya</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-26746589242934490762013-11-18T08:42:00.001-08:002014-05-19T07:54:22.964-07:00When Life Seems to be Crashing Down..You ever feel like it can't get much worse. I always felt like My surgeries and my cancer were bad, Then when I started Chemo I found a whole new low. I feel like just when I thought I was on the come up with my life, just when I thought hings were getting better for me. Now I am not to sure about what is next. I thought I knew the direction my life was heading and that quickly changed then changed again and again and now I am tired. I am so annoyed with all the shambles my life is in right now. Yet still, I have to be the tough one.<br />
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Ever get tired of being that tough one. The strongest person in the group who is often holding the most weight on their shoulders. Yeah, sucks right. well welcome to my life. Even though my faithful followers friends and family tell me otherwise I know and feel different. I probably am the strongest person many of you know it's not always sunny side up on this side. Being a strong person is harder then you think, your expected to be emotionless when all you may want to do is cry. Have to stand tall when all you may want to do is crumble. When you feel like it can't get much worse remember it can, and it can quickly. How worse it gets soley depends on you and how to react to when things do get worse.<br />
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XOXO,</div>
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<br /></div>
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Marecya</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-75683085039489696402013-11-01T08:18:00.001-07:002014-05-19T07:53:58.106-07:001 Year and where is the change?Last year I was having surgery. On November 1,2012 I was having my second surgery to remove another tumor. One year later here I am looking back and what do I have to say. Nothing positive. I have spent the last year of my life trying to find normal and I still have yet to do so. I fool myself everyday thinking I am normal. Well, I'm not in the slightest bit normal. You see cancer changed my life no matter how you look at it. I have become a different person beause of it. Last tuesday I was sitting in my aunts kitchen and she told me how proud she was of me, but she see this new peronality I have taken on that most peopleare not ready for.<br />
<br />
Truth is when I found out I had cancer it broke my spirit and I thought I was going to die, an sometimes I dont think I will ever wake up from this nightmare. When you have surgery, then chemo, then have tests ran on you like your a lab rat almost bi-weekly you begin to think that is normal. Sad part is I can't say I remeber normal. I look at my friends and the only thing I do they they are doing is in school trying to graduate. Other then that they're the aliens in my world..LOL!<br />
<br />
Pushing forward is tiring and honestly I would rather give up, sometimes the thought of giving up is easier then being poisoned with IV therapy, pills and radiation. Then I get the one text I need from a supporter telling me God has bigger plans for me. If I could pay to see these plans believe me I would. So to the woman named Cynthia Hawkins telling me to read Psalms 11, oh how you spoke to my life this morning and got me out of the bed. Verse 1 alone "In The Lord I put my trust;..." I will let that simmer on you all untll tomorrow.<br />
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<br /></div>
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XOXO,</div>
<div>
Marecya</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-74551412659448107012013-07-30T17:38:00.001-07:002013-07-30T17:38:11.867-07:00New VisionHey guys, I know I've been all the way missing in action but my blog is actually taking a different turn. Please bare with me while I revamp my blog. <div><br></div><div>XOXO,</div><div>Marecya </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-43802222729710104092013-07-09T12:19:00.001-07:002014-05-19T07:53:35.933-07:00Tears of JoySo by now everyone knows that yesterday was my birthday. July 6th I was brought into this world by Celia...However not many people know how emotional yesterday was for me. When I woke up I instantly missed my sister. With Courtney in South Africa I feel so empty needless to say I cried last night. Imaging your best friend going off the grid for a few weeks and you cant even talk to her,but back to this birthday story. The first thing I did when I woke up was thank God for allowing me to make it. Do you know how easy it was for me to be dead by now. Two surgeries where I could have easily died, all the intensive chemotherapy.<br />
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There are so many times I could have been the one that didn't make it. I've been battling cancer..scratch that cancer has been battling me for over a year now. I know cancer has to be sick of my overly resilient self...I know i'm tired of Cancer's irritating ways. My birthday every year reminds me of how strong I am. Every year my mom tells the story of my birth, you see my birth was one that shouldn't have happened. I was the special child who was turning black and blue in the womb due to the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck with my mother still pushing me out. Needless to say my birth was a miracle. Over this past year I have concluded that not only was my birth a miracle but my life is a miracle.<br />
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It is a miracle that I have not taken my own life due to depression or horrible circumstances. It is truly a miracle that every night I go out with my friends I return home, a miracle that cancer is still battling me and I have not given in. Although I have desired more that anything to give in multiple times during the epic almost 2 year battle. Even thinking back to stories my mom tells me about my childhood, I know i'm one tough cookie. While it truly continues to amaze me daily how strong he made me when I was created. God knew he was conjuring up something great when he created me and all that I am. In my short 22 years of life I have been to and through more things than most middle aged adults and in my short 22 years of life I have pushed through more things than most middle aged adults. Mist of all in my short 22 years of life I have inspired more people then most people do in their entire lives. In 22 short years of life i have accomplished one of my biggest accomplishments to date, that is simply inspiring others to fight to live.<br />
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Live freely, live happily, but most of all as cliche as it is going to sound inspiring others to live strong. Living strong and healthy, and living with a purpose. Life is entirely to live purpose less. When God created us he created our purpose. We are driven by our purpose and they day society not only recognizes it but accepts it the world will be a better place. Strength is the only thing that has kept me alive several times over this past year. The fight that I had no idea I truly had does nothing but confirm my previous statement. Pride is not what little girls are made of... it's purely Strength.<br />
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<br />
XOXO,<br />
MarecyaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-46819240405910430852013-06-25T13:07:00.001-07:002013-07-01T16:29:32.749-07:00Blank SpacesWith my birthday so close around the corner would you be surprised if I told you that I was not the least bit excited. I think I lost all motivation for all good things in January. Perception is key. I have given off the perception that all is well and that I am in a good space. Honestly I'm not at all. Health wise, mentally I am not in a good space at all. Do me a favor lend me your prayers.<br />
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XOXO,<br />
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MarecyaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-28959458905275215642013-06-24T15:29:00.001-07:002013-06-24T15:29:36.270-07:00NOCC Walk/Run to break the silence on Ovarian Cancer!LETS GET IT !!!!!<br />
<br />
REGISTER TODAY!!!!<br />
<br />
nooc.org<br />
<br />
Join my team!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
XOXO,<br />
<br />
Marecya <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6pqdH-LiCyEsyAvwrRERYYIrofZQ293zgn_YPQWh1DcLMw3JGu8I71jNLJL8r2KgkvG0OJFbw3uO5Vk3xh4BnlzLF1bZQkd_TbrVnvPf-n6jvN9-ecjBJAfgV1ELM-hNCdygiGHNITBdQ/s640/blogger-image-1152026489.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6pqdH-LiCyEsyAvwrRERYYIrofZQ293zgn_YPQWh1DcLMw3JGu8I71jNLJL8r2KgkvG0OJFbw3uO5Vk3xh4BnlzLF1bZQkd_TbrVnvPf-n6jvN9-ecjBJAfgV1ELM-hNCdygiGHNITBdQ/s640/blogger-image-1152026489.jpg" /></a></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-13093268704594098492013-06-19T14:59:00.001-07:002014-05-19T07:52:54.837-07:00God and his small works<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">Why is it that the moment your ready to give up and give in on life something amazing happens. Lately I've been slipping in and out if this nasty funk. Today was not the day for me at all but I put on my plastic smile and headed out the door. My day in the gym was ok. My ankle was bothering me so much I barley made it to </span><a href="x-apple-data-detectors://0" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;" x-apple-data-detectors-result="0" x-apple-data-detectors-type="calendar-event" x-apple-data-detectors="true">11:30 am</a><span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;"> to break for lunch. I've been so exhausted every day I feel like I'm literally wearing myself thin. So when the opportunity came to get away for a bit I jumped.</span><br />
<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;"> On our way back to camp I saw probably the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen. Like the whole rainbow I really needed to see that. It was like a breath I fresh air to me when I saw it I remembered things are going to be fine. God never seems to fail us and always sees us through I just know that the rainbow was his little way of making me forget me worldly troubles and remember that he still is the one who holds all the cards. </span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">Xoxo,</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;">Marecya</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-32561998607260732952013-06-13T11:59:00.001-07:002013-06-18T11:47:13.362-07:00Monday BluesMonday was the worst day ever! I was on hill duty and busted my butt! Now I have a busted ankle and camp is no longer fun. Im in a big dumb ugly boot! UGH How did I ever fall. WALKING of all things. By the way my wifi is the absolute worse up here when I go home for the weekend whenever I do I will look into getting a wireless hotspot. Until then sing up for my Ovarian Cancer Walk!<br />
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NOCC 5K Walk/Run to Break the Silence<br />
<br />
www.nocc.org<br />
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The Teal Diaries is the name of my team!<br />
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XOXO,<br />
<br />
MarecyaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3767689460810684591.post-82702478813179702132013-06-02T17:09:00.001-07:002014-05-19T07:52:27.284-07:00Peace and SerenityMy slice of happiness is in nature. I always find happiness in God's green earth. Now don't get it twisted I am not an outdoors person if I had it my way I would take the beautiful views without the animals that come with God's green earth. So I took the position that I have really wanted now or the past two years at Camp Woodward. So i'm up in PA working coaching gymnastics and forgetting about my cancer, forgetting about my problems, and enjoying my life.<br />
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Having cancer at a young age makes you do a lot of things that you wouldn't normally do, the main thing it made me do was want to live everyday like it was my last. When I finally accepted that God will take me when he's good and ready and regardless of my cancer or not I was able to slow my roll. Being up here is a truly rewarding experience. Not only am I doing what I truly love but I am also slowing things down and truly getting back to a schedule with my life. Cancer will always have control of my life if I allow it to, and this is me not allowing cancer to rule me. This girl will not lose.<br />
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XOXO,<br />
Marecya Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18309982130495771948noreply@blogger.com0