The people who enter your life in the strangest way, are almost always the kindest people to you. Roughly a year ago I physically met Deondra. I had heard about her for years she was Jay's ex-gf turned life guru/best-friend. Now I know what your thinking, but Deondra wasn't your typical ex-gf, I knew this the very first time she extended herself as a friend, well she was a little tipsy but it was so genuine. From that moment I realized she had a beautiful heart and she not only wanted the best for her friend but she also wanted the best for me. A stranger wanting the best for me. This morning was particularly tough for me I feel myself going on a slump. In all honesty folks things are just not looking in my favor. My appointment went all the way south, Jay is some kind of pissed/ hurt that I've changed, the lack there of structure in my life is stressing me out and I want a break from all the stress and I want somebody to remember the old bubbly me.
This morning somebody did, of all my friends and family the one who did was Deondra. The same person who according to society I shouldn't be "friends" with, Deondra sent me an email that brought me to tears. She reminded me I AM SICK! Consuming myself with the troubles of ill thoughts from "friends" or the people rooting for me to fail will not cut it. NOBODY can understand what I am going through. NOBODY can judge me for what I say I feel, or what I choose to do. Over this year I have changed, I fully admit it. I stopped being a student and stopped having a regular flow to life. It caused me to stop doing the little things that Jay loved, not intentionally but it happened. It caused me to stop thinking of life in a positive manner, and I began to thing everything was going to be bad all of the time. I've reached my breaking point. There is only so much I can bear from people who know NOTHING OF WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH! Hell yeah I smile in public and look fabulous when i'm out running the streets because if I didn't you all would look at me sideways. If I rolled out the house looking how I feel you all would hate me. So because I slap on a fake smile you forget i'm human. Negative. I have feelings I feel pain, I suffer, but to survive I had to push forward. I have to swallow up my pain for breakfast and grind through the pain. I've hurt more in the past year than some of you will hurt in your lives.
I am entitled to every pain and emotion that I feel, and yet I still smile. I smile for you, we all smile for you, everyone battling cancer smiles for the people around them because we damn sure don't smile for ourselves. We are tired, beat-up, worn down, told terrible news before we get better news, and we smile not for ourselves, but we smile for YOU! The one time many of us are asking to be selfish, sometimes we cant even get that. People can't understand that we will snap back but right now while I'm experiencing this storm I want to be selfish, and no matter how selfish we are we still find the way to smile for you! Our friends, our family, our signifiant others, our co-workers. We do it for you and the little thing we ask is to be selfish at the time when we need to be the most, even though were not being selfish by simply doing what we do best. Smiling through the pain. Deondra has seen me truly grow, she saw me be at point where I was happy and are free, and at a point where I was feeling the lows of the lows. She pointed something very distinct to me. She reminded me who I am, I am the one who gives all praise and glory to God. That I am the one who prays about everything and worries about nothing. She reminded me that my God's power, grace and mercy stretches so wide it allows him to be the first, the last and everything in between, the alpha and omega for my greek folks, he is the everlasting father, hosanna, the prince of peace. He is almighty and awesome and the nerve of me to ever think otherwise.
She reminded me my breakthrough is coming. God has taken everything from me, including my sanity, and I ain't even mad at him. See, you and God get a certain type of understanding when he loves you enough to take everything, because when he takes everything you thought was once right he's always preparing to give you something way more. See what i've learned is that God will be the only one who I can depend on 24/7 365 days a year and I should not EXPECT anyone else to. Yes it's nice to have friends and bf's and co-workers rooting for you but God will be the only one still there when everyone leaves you because they're sick of your crap. He will be the only one still there after everyone leaves you because you changed. God will be the only one there when it feels like the people who love you don't understand or walk away from you. God will carry you through the tireless nights it is he who is truly able to keep us from stumbling, and it is he who is responsible for the breath of life I breathe this very moment.
After your last fan leaves and they're ready to turn the lights off GOD will be he one who lights your way. People often wonder why Deondra and I can talk like we have known each other for years. The proof is in the email. Good people always recognize good people.
XOXO,
Marecya
Friday, April 26, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
In the morning
Today was a rough day on me mentally forgive me for not updating you on my appointment but I was frustrated to the maximum. Story and updates on life in the morning.
XOXO,
Marecya
XOXO,
Marecya
Monday, April 22, 2013
You've got questions, and I have answers
So I've decided to do something a little fun. Yesterday I shared my story at Tough In Teal a program at Bowie State University. After sharing my story I realized I know people have questions, and I have answers. So today, tomorrow and Wednesday is your chance to ask all the questions you want. Email me at Marecyaburton@gmail.com send me your questions and I will answer your questions on my blog. Leave your name and where you're from and I will answer them. If you don't want anyone to know who you are make sure you add anonymous. If you follow me on facebook or twitter DM my inbox and i'll be sure to add your questions here.
XOXO,
Marecya
XOXO,
Marecya
Friday, April 19, 2013
Strong Enough For All Of Us
Last night while on my random Thursday night adventure with my survivor sister Mia, so many things came to light. The main thing we had revelations about is our strength. The strength we have is immeasurable. I have seen men break down at the thought of cancer winning this battle. While women stand taller than ever when facing cancer. My survivor sisters and I are the strongest people I know. We are strong for ourselves but also each other. That is the definition of strength. It's not measured by how much physical weight you an handle but the mental, emotional,spiritual,and physical strain that is put on us daily.
We can sometimes carry our friends and family through cancer, not the other way around. We can sometimes be the ones who show everyone what being strong really means. I remember when I was about 9 years old I got a picture from my mom and dad. It was a gymnast on the balance beam, and the picture said PRIDE, Thats's what little girls are made of. Which I truly lived by the moment after I received that picture. However now I realize that is not at all what little girls are made of. It is strength, strength is what I am made of. Strength is what my survivor sisters are made of and strength is what keeps us together, makes our bond strong which in turn makes up even stronger women. The fact that people often forget that i'm sick is bittersweet.
When people look at me like I am a regular person it makes me feel normal, but it means people forget i'm a person that has been poisoned for months by chemotherapy drugs to cure the cancer. I have cancer regardless of how I look or act, the point is no matter what is going on I have cancer. My strength allows me to get out of bed and to put a smile on my face everyday. We all have a different story, yet we all have the same story our strength through the highs and lows of cancer can be compared to nothing. Pride nor sugar spice and everything nice is what we are made of. Strength is what little girls are made of.
XOXO,
Marecya
We can sometimes carry our friends and family through cancer, not the other way around. We can sometimes be the ones who show everyone what being strong really means. I remember when I was about 9 years old I got a picture from my mom and dad. It was a gymnast on the balance beam, and the picture said PRIDE, Thats's what little girls are made of. Which I truly lived by the moment after I received that picture. However now I realize that is not at all what little girls are made of. It is strength, strength is what I am made of. Strength is what my survivor sisters are made of and strength is what keeps us together, makes our bond strong which in turn makes up even stronger women. The fact that people often forget that i'm sick is bittersweet.
When people look at me like I am a regular person it makes me feel normal, but it means people forget i'm a person that has been poisoned for months by chemotherapy drugs to cure the cancer. I have cancer regardless of how I look or act, the point is no matter what is going on I have cancer. My strength allows me to get out of bed and to put a smile on my face everyday. We all have a different story, yet we all have the same story our strength through the highs and lows of cancer can be compared to nothing. Pride nor sugar spice and everything nice is what we are made of. Strength is what little girls are made of.
XOXO,
Marecya
Thursday, April 18, 2013
NOCC Run/Walk to Break the Silence on Ovarian Cancer
So I told you all there were great thing in store for me right...well the great things are in the works. Today I created my team for the NOCC Run/Walk to Break the Silence on Ovarian Cancer on September 29, 2013. I am so excited you guys! Now i'm not going lie to anyone I will not be running, because I am not a runner. I never have been and I never intend on being one, however I will walk to break the silence. Obviously Ovarian Cancer is serious to me, it has really rattled my soul and it needs to lite a fire under everyone's butt to BREAK THE SILENCE! Even if you have scheduling conflicts I still need donations. We are trying to raise $1,500, and I want at least 40 members to join my team, I know we can do this easily and furthermore I want you all to surprise me and help me surpass my goal. You can join my team in the link below, donate, or just check it out. Come on lets do this together lets break the silence on this deadly cancer. Also I know many of you have been trying to send me emails and things there will also be a link for my email below. Any questions about the walk/run or my blog, or about life send them to me.
XOXO,
Marecya
Join My Team HERE!!!
marecyaburton@gmail.com
XOXO,
Marecya
Join My Team HERE!!!
marecyaburton@gmail.com
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Alone in a room with all my baggage
Have you ever felt like you were alone, like all alone in he world. I have plenty of times in my life. I just felt like people just don't get me or understand who I am and what I need all the time. I don't think I ask for much but at the same time what is too much? I've encountered some depression over these past few days. Mainly because it's graduation season, and i'm supposed to be prancing across the stage getting my degree...but you see the way my cancer is set up i'm a little behind in school LOL! (true kevin hart fans would have caught that). I have no problems graduating late, but I feel like such a failure sometimes. I look at my older sister who graduated from UMBC last spring with her bachelors degree, and is graduating from UMBC this spring with her masters. Yeah I know what an overachiever. I love my sister dearly, but I sometimes hate all her accomplishments because they look amazing next to all my life blemishes.
Well cancer is more of a life struggle, but you get the point. I don't think I ask for much. I just want to graduate, plain and simple, nothing more nothing less. Today during the adventures of Marecya and Shawn, we ended up in the halls of Bowie High School where we both graduated from in 2009. Shawn and his fraternity brothers were doing a small performance for the high school kids at their class night, somehow I got sucked into tagging along. Of course shawn heard them say five o'clock and they went on at half past six, so we strolled down memory lane also known as the halls of Bowie High. As we roamed the hallways of our old stomping grounds I couldn't help but wish I was bak in high school when life was easier. I began to think am I really where I want to be in life? My answer was no. If I didn't have cancer would I be graduating and would I be happy with my life? Yes. My senior year in high school I stood out, I did great in school while my sisters freshman year in college could have been better. The days when I was all smiles and giggles, there was no stress or pressure.
Obviously we all have to grow up, but the fact that when we begin to grow we begin to see how cruel life really is. Today on campus I came across a young lady who has cervical cancer and for one it seemed like everything around she and I stopped as we talked about our common ground. The days I spend with my survivor sisters from The Teal is a big deal foundation I feel like i'm in my zone. It's like were all on the same page, and I never have to feel alone because they all know how I feel. When they stepped into my life things got better for me but still the battle is tough and the road is unsympathetic to emotions. Although I know that, and I freely admit it over and over again on my blog, the fact remains that my positioning is difficult, and few know the road I travel. Now do not confuse this blog post for something it is not. I am so proud of all my friends and sister that will be graduating. It's simply a bittersweet moment where I wish I too was sharing the joy if walking across the stage with my peers.
Becoming content with the detour God has placed me on is the biggest prt of the puzzle, and I am positive once I get that piece in place everything else will ease right in. Although I know my time will come, and when I do take that walk across the stage the taste will be even sweeter than it would have been before. Blood, sweat, tears, and struggle would have gone into the second biggest accomplishment in my life. When i finally BEAT CANCER, it WILL be my greatest accomplishment for as long as I live. I will defeat something that tried diligently to kill me, and it will truly be the sweetest thing I know.
XOXO,
Marecya
Well cancer is more of a life struggle, but you get the point. I don't think I ask for much. I just want to graduate, plain and simple, nothing more nothing less. Today during the adventures of Marecya and Shawn, we ended up in the halls of Bowie High School where we both graduated from in 2009. Shawn and his fraternity brothers were doing a small performance for the high school kids at their class night, somehow I got sucked into tagging along. Of course shawn heard them say five o'clock and they went on at half past six, so we strolled down memory lane also known as the halls of Bowie High. As we roamed the hallways of our old stomping grounds I couldn't help but wish I was bak in high school when life was easier. I began to think am I really where I want to be in life? My answer was no. If I didn't have cancer would I be graduating and would I be happy with my life? Yes. My senior year in high school I stood out, I did great in school while my sisters freshman year in college could have been better. The days when I was all smiles and giggles, there was no stress or pressure.
Obviously we all have to grow up, but the fact that when we begin to grow we begin to see how cruel life really is. Today on campus I came across a young lady who has cervical cancer and for one it seemed like everything around she and I stopped as we talked about our common ground. The days I spend with my survivor sisters from The Teal is a big deal foundation I feel like i'm in my zone. It's like were all on the same page, and I never have to feel alone because they all know how I feel. When they stepped into my life things got better for me but still the battle is tough and the road is unsympathetic to emotions. Although I know that, and I freely admit it over and over again on my blog, the fact remains that my positioning is difficult, and few know the road I travel. Now do not confuse this blog post for something it is not. I am so proud of all my friends and sister that will be graduating. It's simply a bittersweet moment where I wish I too was sharing the joy if walking across the stage with my peers.
Becoming content with the detour God has placed me on is the biggest prt of the puzzle, and I am positive once I get that piece in place everything else will ease right in. Although I know my time will come, and when I do take that walk across the stage the taste will be even sweeter than it would have been before. Blood, sweat, tears, and struggle would have gone into the second biggest accomplishment in my life. When i finally BEAT CANCER, it WILL be my greatest accomplishment for as long as I live. I will defeat something that tried diligently to kill me, and it will truly be the sweetest thing I know.
XOXO,
Marecya
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Soul Broken, and Body Beaten
Over the past year I have been in an abusive relationship. My abusive relationship with Cancer. This big C! Yeah the one thing that terrifies grown men. My body has been cut, bruised, poisoned, and manipulated for this stupid cancer. My back has scars, my hair is gone, my arms, torso, legs, are all scared. Scared for cancer, scared for something I had no hand in, scared for something that was set out to break me from the very moment it entered my precious God given body. Cancer...this angry little cell trying to kill me. It has succeeded.
My mind is worn and my body is drained, but my spirit will never surrender to cancer. You see cancer has a mind of its own. It wants to make you feel useless and you will. Make you feel hopeless and you will, but in his own will he will bring you to Phil. 4:13 I can do all thing possible through christ who strengthens me. Me, I can do all things through he who gives me strength as I reach out to God looking for his help through this cancer. This cancer that has made friends run, and enemies come. This cancer that has love die and hatred come alive this damn cancer that has tried and tried to make me die. Yeah I bet it's wondering why I'm still alive. I can hear my body crying from every pinch of the needle to draw some blood, or to get some scans, or to be poisoned by chemotherapy which is nothing therapeutic at all.
The one thing I have fallen to is not cancer, but GOD. I have fallen on my face to give him all the praise and glory for every day I rise to do his work. The strength I find daily to get out of the bed comes from him. Cancer will not win, it will not win, not my cancer THE CANCER WILL NOT WIN! In times of struggle, desperation, confusion I must stand tall in the face of the demon in my body that we call cancer, trying to ruin my soul. Cancer shall not prevail, and I will come out a heavyweight champion.
XOXO,
Marecya
My mind is worn and my body is drained, but my spirit will never surrender to cancer. You see cancer has a mind of its own. It wants to make you feel useless and you will. Make you feel hopeless and you will, but in his own will he will bring you to Phil. 4:13 I can do all thing possible through christ who strengthens me. Me, I can do all things through he who gives me strength as I reach out to God looking for his help through this cancer. This cancer that has made friends run, and enemies come. This cancer that has love die and hatred come alive this damn cancer that has tried and tried to make me die. Yeah I bet it's wondering why I'm still alive. I can hear my body crying from every pinch of the needle to draw some blood, or to get some scans, or to be poisoned by chemotherapy which is nothing therapeutic at all.
The one thing I have fallen to is not cancer, but GOD. I have fallen on my face to give him all the praise and glory for every day I rise to do his work. The strength I find daily to get out of the bed comes from him. Cancer will not win, it will not win, not my cancer THE CANCER WILL NOT WIN! In times of struggle, desperation, confusion I must stand tall in the face of the demon in my body that we call cancer, trying to ruin my soul. Cancer shall not prevail, and I will come out a heavyweight champion.
XOXO,
Marecya
Monday, April 15, 2013
Inhale, Exhale
All I did today was breathe, but its ok. I'm allowed to every few weeks.
XOXO,
Marecya
XOXO,
Marecya
Friday, April 5, 2013
Happy Anniversary
One year ago today I was preparing for the biggest day of my life. I was going under the knife to remove a tumor that was wrapped around my right ovary that was potentially cancerous. Around 3 pm I was checked in and they were running a few pre op tests on me. I was so scared for what what going to happen. The days leading up to my surgery were intense. April 1st marked an anniversary of my God sister passing. April 2nd my grandmother's oldest sister passed away. Antie (Momo's sister) was pretty much my boo, and I did not take her passing well at all. I wanted to go to her funeral, but I had surgery on Thursday needless to say it was not a good week.
One year ago today I was in a different point then I am now. Over a year I have been forced thanks to cancer to be stronger, wiser, and more secure with myself then ever. Over a year I have had to be the backbone for many people around me. Over a year I have mentally stressed myself out and come dangerously close to giving up and giving in. Over the past year I have cried and cried and cried. Over the past year I have tried to distance myself from God, and he has pulled me in closer then ever. Over the past year I have become determined to be a survivor. My faith has told me one thing through it all God will never give up on me. So if I have the most high fighting so hard for me then how dare I give up on myself. Now is it hard, yes. Do I get frustrated, yes. Do I want to give up, heck yes. It has been a year since my first surgery, and the days just get harder and harder, but I keep trying and I keep fighting. I'm not going to die because of cancer, just in case you were wondering. I am and have always been a fighter.
Thanks for all those who have showed my support over the past year, you all have given me so much inspiration and love it means the world to me. I also thank God for being the only one on my line 24/7. Ephesians 3:20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us. That verse right there is why I cant help but give him all the glory for all he has done and is going to do in my life. Cancer is an ugly thing that has the ability to make people even more ugly, however with the support of family and friends and most of all God on my side i'm making it, and I thank God everyday he allows me to make it one more day.
Happy Surgeryversary to me! My next Happy Anniversary will be the one when i'm CANCER FREE!
XOXO,
Marecya
One year ago today I was in a different point then I am now. Over a year I have been forced thanks to cancer to be stronger, wiser, and more secure with myself then ever. Over a year I have had to be the backbone for many people around me. Over a year I have mentally stressed myself out and come dangerously close to giving up and giving in. Over the past year I have cried and cried and cried. Over the past year I have tried to distance myself from God, and he has pulled me in closer then ever. Over the past year I have become determined to be a survivor. My faith has told me one thing through it all God will never give up on me. So if I have the most high fighting so hard for me then how dare I give up on myself. Now is it hard, yes. Do I get frustrated, yes. Do I want to give up, heck yes. It has been a year since my first surgery, and the days just get harder and harder, but I keep trying and I keep fighting. I'm not going to die because of cancer, just in case you were wondering. I am and have always been a fighter.
Thanks for all those who have showed my support over the past year, you all have given me so much inspiration and love it means the world to me. I also thank God for being the only one on my line 24/7. Ephesians 3:20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us. That verse right there is why I cant help but give him all the glory for all he has done and is going to do in my life. Cancer is an ugly thing that has the ability to make people even more ugly, however with the support of family and friends and most of all God on my side i'm making it, and I thank God everyday he allows me to make it one more day.
Happy Surgeryversary to me! My next Happy Anniversary will be the one when i'm CANCER FREE!
XOXO,
Marecya
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Smile it looks good on you
Just a little something to brighten my day from a good friend thought I would share with you all.
XOXO,
Marecya
XOXO,
Marecya
Monday, April 1, 2013
The journey begins
It's time for me to get my life back in order the first thing I need to get is get right and tight for the summer time cause right now I'm sloppy something serious. Shout out to the fact I was on steroids during chemo, y'all thought my butt was big before you wouldn't believe it now, and the gut that accompanies it. I suppose Jay got tired of harassing me and is now forcing me to go to the gym with him he even ensured my cooperation by spending $150 on me in the Nike store so now I have no reason I can't go to the gym. New shoes, sports bra, and workout apparel. Continue to keep me in your prayers for what God has for me and you are unknown.
XOXO,
Marecya
XOXO,
Marecya
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