Recya made it #2years

There’s an end to every storm. Once all the trees have been uprooted, once all the houses have been ripped apart, the wind will hush. The clouds will part. The rain will stop. The sky will clear in an instant and only then, in those quiet moments after the storm, do we learn who was strong enough to survive it. Failure is inevitable, unavoidable but failure should never get the last word. You have to hold on to what you want. You have to not take no for an answer and take what’s coming to you. Never give in, never give up. Stand up. Stand up and take it. Sometimes, the key to making progress is to recognize how to take that very first step. Then you start your journey. You hope for the best and you stick with it, day in and day out. Even if you’re tired, even if you want to walk away, you don’t. Why don’t you, because you are a pioneer. But nobody ever said it’d be easy. Hell if it was I wouldn't be sitting her 2 years later blogging about how hard it really is.

 Reflecting on the last two years is something I genuinely HATE to do. Everyone sees this little fighter and they see the smile I have kept through it all but very few have seen the pain behind the smile. I have found happiness in the little things like my hair that has finally grown back, we all know that my life was in shambles when I was losing my hair, but the hair growth that is coming back is to DIE for. But really what is supposed to make you happy after you go through two surgeries, cancer, and chemo. I lost a freaking ovary, had another surgery because my tumor was a stubborn and decided to grow back, went to chemo lost all my hair, had the summer from hell because my cancer still hated me, finally got what I think I wanted and got back in school and I still don't feel fulfilled. Call me crazy but sometimes I think things were sometimes easier when I was in chemo and I knew exactly what was going to do every day of the week. I was going to John Hopkins for Chemotherapy. It was so simple, and the worst part was that it made sense. Ask most people what they want out of life and the answers simple, to be happy. 

Maybe it’s this expectation, though… The wanting to be happy, that just keeps us from ever getting there. I've thought over the last year maybe I am not happy, because I just want to be happy again so bad. But then I realized something I no longer look at the world all prim and proper. It’s a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, healthy life. As children, we’re told to smile. And be cheerful. And put on a happy face. As adults we’re told to look on the Bright-side, and see glasses as half-full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part, though. Your hope can fail, boyfriends cheat, friends can disappoint, and people can get cancer. It’s in these moments, when you just need to get real with yourself, drop the act, and be your true, scared, unhappy self. Life will knock you down but you still have to get back up and fight I’ve said it once and I will say it before cancer is unbiased it does not care about your gender, ethnicity, socio-economic status, family history or you. It could care less what you look like if you’re a good person or not, like any ruthless serial killer there is the main purpose is to kill. If it’s life, spirits, joy, happiness, killing is the main objective. So what do you do? You gear up for battle and prepare to fight in the most epic war of your life. 

Cancer is nothing more than a war between you and life. Some of these wars result in complete and total victory. Some war’s end with a peace offering, and some war’s end in hope. But all the wars you will fight and have in life are nothing compared to the most terrifying war of all. The one you have yet to fight. For me it’s the war I am fighting knowing that any day anything can happen. And even though that’s the scariest part, it has yet to hinder me from doing what I want when I want. The ride has been one with plenty of turbulence; all I did was put on my seatbelt. I smile, I frown, I roll my eyes I have entire breakdowns, and I still push forward every day. Am I 100% happy? No. But then again who really is? Am I happy I have breath in my lungs and laughter in my spirit and love in my heart? Yes. The desires of my heart will come until then I relish in my accomplishments, and my daily struggles, because those are what truly set me apart from the rest, and those are what truly make me unique.

 A year ago I hated everything that was happening to me, now I still hate it but I move along with it. I take life’s blows and I give cancer the meanest middle finger I have, flip the little bit of hair I do have and seize the day. Gratitude. Appreciation. Giving thanks. No matter what words you use, it all means the same thing. Happy. We’re supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family, happy to just be alive… whether we like it or not. Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude… has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. 

Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing… is reason enough to celebrate. Celebrating 2 more years I wasn't supposed to live ;)

XOXO,

Marecya

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My Friends In The Most Unlikely Places

Funny thing is the people you lease expect are some of the ones on the same exact page as you. I woke up this morning on the WRONG side of the bed, in a horrible mood, and even after my cry in the shower I still wasn't feeling today. So I pulled my brand new Calvin Klein dress out the closet put it on fluffed all 6 inches of my newly grown hair, beat my face and got in the car to head to work. The ride was terrible. Nobody understands unless you have gone or are currently going through an illness like cancer. Today is not my day, and although I walked into my office smiling I honestly just wanted to be back home in my bed under my covers hiding from the world. Yes, for all you smart asses out there I know hiding under the covers won't make my cancer magically disappear, however it always makes me feel better even if it's only for a little while. Just then in the nick of time I was reminded i'm not the only one.

 Contrary to my own belief cancer does not have a personal vendetta against me. Cancer hates EVERYBODY! I was reminded by one of my peers that is at the same point I am, She reminded me I am the strongest solider. These trials and tribulations I go through are not pointless and although I keep getting knocked down, I keep standing back up. No matter how long it takes I STAND BACK UP! Life is hard regardless, and it's not going to get any easier. The one thing I have realized that my life is so amazing it's clearly being targeted by the devil. Your probably reading this with your eyes wide open now, just level with me for a moment folks. I've realized that I am blessed beyond measure and somehow someway the Lord keeps blessing me.

Each time more abundantly then the time before. Sometimes I wonder why or how, but he does. My prayers get answers, not always the answers I want but they get answers. Knowing that they're the answers from God I know they're the right one. Now if you saw all that happening wouldn't you want that good karma. I'm convinced the devil wants to steal all my good karma so he can get back into heaven... okay I'm reaching now BUT I clearly have something he wants. The Lord is most definitely on my side.  By now I know its cliche but God really does give his strongest all the burden. I've accepted the fact that I am crazy now thanks to cancer and chemo my brain is fried. Somehow I am very sane. I have received clarity from many things, situations, and people and I can truly say I have been blessed with what I have. To my friend with the kind words remain encouraged  this battle we fight is not one that can be fought alone.

Thank you for standing with me on my fight and know our blessings are coming for our faithfulness and patience. Lastly when you have everything taken from you then and only then you realize what really was important and what never was. Wine was always important, Stress never was.



XOXO,
Marecya

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Screaming for sanity

The entire month of February has royally sucked. I have had no time for any type of sanity or personal time and feel myself being stretched so thin. I really don't think anyone realizes how much sleep I need and rest and I need. I think most people including myself believe that I can just run the streets rapid and nothing will happen to me.

Being a sickly person is irritating in all perfect honesty. Yes, I know what your probably thinking. If she's so tired then why don't you go to sleep or get some rest. It's much easier when I run myself into the ground, I don't have to think about my life issues. I can put a lot of things behind me. I really don't know why I feel this way all the time but sometimes it just makes things easier. I probably sound extremely redundant but who knows.

I need a break, I really need a break from my life, my health, my friends, my family. I know it sounds bad but I really want to crawl into a hole and disappear.


XOXO,

Marecya

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Lead, Follow, Or...

So here I am a year later from the beginning of my blog and I can't even tell you how many friends I have lost and enemies I have gained. I never thought having cancer was soothing to be envious. I mean lets be real - I was bald, yes my hair is growing back but its a bush, there really is nothing cute about that. Thats aside from the fact that people just always assume my life is sunshine and bunny rabbits. I know I always have a smile on, however sorry to burst everyones bubble but that is not the case.

When your diagnosed with somthing like cancer even when people think your life is back to normal its not. Cancer is not like getting shot or falling off a bike where as your injured you have surgery and you get well. It's a constant battle between life and death and cancer is always trying to win. You have to stay away from cancer foods, and cancer causing agents because you already have  higher chance to get cancer again. Most of all I hate when people say I use cancer as a crutch. WTF?!?!?! A crutch, you have got to be kidding me. I have two surgeries, chemo, I'm bald headed Susie for a year and people think I enjoy being sick.

In reality people who don't face what we survivors face have some nerve chiming in on what we experience . I rarely use the word hate but I HATE when outsiders claim to know the feeling. The smiles we put on for you all is so that you don't treat us like contagious aliens. Yet still somehow someway we are still the ones who want to be sick. I really wish people were less jerks, and more considerate of how even though we may smile our lives may be in complete shambles.

Regardless of how people may make it seem we do not use cancer as a crutch, it just is what is it. Contrary to popular belief it does in fact consume most of our lives, and if you can't get with that then you should really get out of the way. If you cannot be 100% supportive through the good, bad, the ugly, and the unthinkable then you should really reconsider being in any of our lives. I'm all for people supporting me on my journey, but really people lets be real this is some heavy stuff that everyone is not cut out for. So if you don't want to hear me when I am depressed, and only would like to be with me when I am uplifting, you may exit stage left. When it comes down to it we have, can and will stand without those who are not meant to be bystanders through cancer.

So you can pick, you can lead us, follow us or get the hell out the way.

XOXO,

Marecya

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I have a dream

When I was 3 years old I recited the I have a dream speech by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. My favorite part of the speech is toward the end Dr. King writes in his speech "Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends. And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today!"

My dreams oh all of my dreams. I have a dream today that this world we live in will become united, that things like cancer didn't exist and homeless people where no longer existing. My dreams stretch further than my own personal problems, however my dreams are all parallel to those of Dr. King. The idea that America is still not quite there drives me crazy. I have a dream that I will graduate from Bowie State, go to law school and be an amazing wife, mother, and professional. I have a dream I will never have to hear the word cancer again after chemo.

I have a dream that the things the my heart desire were easily obtained. I have a dream that every human body were treated equally. I have a dream that the world were color blind and the amount of money meant nothing compared to the love and compassion you carried in your heart. I have these dreams that the world is going to become a better place and one day we the people will be united. Until they become reality I will continue to dream.

XOXO,

Marecya

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Fresh year, same start.

Here we are back in at it, I'm sorry I've been gone folks but I have really been trying to get my life together and I realized it's in shambles because I haven't been blogging and getting my thoughts out on paper and I am so sorry for my lack of consistance. Nevertheless I have began my road to healing for 2014. I am not all the way there but cancer will still not be something to defeat me. Blood work early Wednesday morning wish me luck :)

xoxo,
Marecya

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Are you ready?

What a week it has been for me. Brandons' funeral was so touching and beatuiful at the same time. I took so many things from the time I spent in Pennsylvania. The most important thing I took was  cancer cannot dwell in people who refuse to let it ruin the love they expell from their hearts, mind, and souls. You see when you have faith in God you already know everything will be alright.You see people tend to think we need all these extra things in life. Nope. All you need is Faith, Hope, and Love. Those are the greatest things of life. Without those things you will not live a life that you are content with. We have already established the things that cancer does, and we all know That cancer sucks ass.

The things that it can't do is ruin a beatuiful person. Anyone knows a beatuiful person when you see one, and really sick people are some of themost beatuiful spirits you will ever meet. I can whole heartedly say Brandon was a beautiful spirit, as well as his entire family was made of beautiful people. I had been under so much stress between school, work, family, and just life that I was begining to forget these things. God will never leave me out in the cold. He may let you feel the wind and rain but he will always be right behind you shielding you from the actual storm. Tim Johnson former Washington Redskin delivered a short eulogy his main question was Are you ready? He was asking are you ready to die, because the biggest moment in all of our lives are when we die. As I thought about his question I asked my self was I ready to die. My initial answer was no. Let's be clear Im still in college, haven't held my dream job, havent bought my Olivia Pope burberry trench coat. I am not ready. Then as he explained the question in detail, my thought process changed. Have I been a blessing to those in and around my life to the best of my ability? Yes. Have I shared the gospel of Jesus Christ? Yes. Do I believe? Yes. So why am I trippin off these earthly possessions.

Truthfully God has something way better then anything I can be offered here on earth. Eternal Life. When I start to think about it like that school, life, work, cancer. All of these are small things to be conquered. The day I can stand and I say I have conquered every obstacle that has decided to stand before me will be a truly great day, but the day I get to meet Jesus will be an even greater one. Picture that being told well done for your work by the Almighty. So why are we sweating the small stuff, exactly no reason at all. This holiday season is a tough one for me but trust and believe it will not stop me being a blessing to anyone in every way shape and form that I can. So you ask how do I stay so positive when my world is crashing down. I tell myself one simple thing, He said he woule NEVER put more on me then I can bear.

XOXO,

Marecya

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