Are you ready?

What a week it has been for me. Brandons' funeral was so touching and beatuiful at the same time. I took so many things from the time I spent in Pennsylvania. The most important thing I took was  cancer cannot dwell in people who refuse to let it ruin the love they expell from their hearts, mind, and souls. You see when you have faith in God you already know everything will be alright.You see people tend to think we need all these extra things in life. Nope. All you need is Faith, Hope, and Love. Those are the greatest things of life. Without those things you will not live a life that you are content with. We have already established the things that cancer does, and we all know That cancer sucks ass.

The things that it can't do is ruin a beatuiful person. Anyone knows a beatuiful person when you see one, and really sick people are some of themost beatuiful spirits you will ever meet. I can whole heartedly say Brandon was a beautiful spirit, as well as his entire family was made of beautiful people. I had been under so much stress between school, work, family, and just life that I was begining to forget these things. God will never leave me out in the cold. He may let you feel the wind and rain but he will always be right behind you shielding you from the actual storm. Tim Johnson former Washington Redskin delivered a short eulogy his main question was Are you ready? He was asking are you ready to die, because the biggest moment in all of our lives are when we die. As I thought about his question I asked my self was I ready to die. My initial answer was no. Let's be clear Im still in college, haven't held my dream job, havent bought my Olivia Pope burberry trench coat. I am not ready. Then as he explained the question in detail, my thought process changed. Have I been a blessing to those in and around my life to the best of my ability? Yes. Have I shared the gospel of Jesus Christ? Yes. Do I believe? Yes. So why am I trippin off these earthly possessions.

Truthfully God has something way better then anything I can be offered here on earth. Eternal Life. When I start to think about it like that school, life, work, cancer. All of these are small things to be conquered. The day I can stand and I say I have conquered every obstacle that has decided to stand before me will be a truly great day, but the day I get to meet Jesus will be an even greater one. Picture that being told well done for your work by the Almighty. So why are we sweating the small stuff, exactly no reason at all. This holiday season is a tough one for me but trust and believe it will not stop me being a blessing to anyone in every way shape and form that I can. So you ask how do I stay so positive when my world is crashing down. I tell myself one simple thing, He said he woule NEVER put more on me then I can bear.

XOXO,

Marecya

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What do you have to be thankful for???

What do you have to be thankful for? Life, your health, your loved ones? What does thankful even mean. Sometimes I don't even know what to be thankful for and then I take a breath. When I look back on the past 2 years of my life I don't have anything to be thankful for I have cancer, lets be real. Then I pause and reflect and I have so much to be thankful for. I have cancer and I hate that it consumes my life, but I have a life. I have a life to live, and I have people to make me smile. I have classes to go to and shoes to save up for. I am THANKFUL for My lord and savior for keeping me through my storms. If I told you how many times I didn't want to continue in life you would probably be shocked.

Yesterday someone I love and admire very much told me I wish you were actually this strong person you portray yourself to be sometimes. It clicked right there I know I stay strong for everone else but I never stay strong for myself. I never take the time to tell Marecya that it's going to be okay. Mentally I am scarred and I need someone to remind me I am normal. I legit feel crazy sometimes, but oddly enough that's what I am thankful for. It reminds me that I am normal to not be okay, because if all that I have been through has not made me a little crazy then, something is wrong. So I give thanks for my struggle and my story. I am thankful for my suffering durring my cancer. I am thankful for my internal issues. I am thankful to God that I have a story and I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for my cancer.

Most of all I'm thankful for God keeping me through it all and never once letting me down.

XOXO,

Marecya

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Rest on Brandon Ream

The other day we lost a friend, son, brother, husband, and fighter while. God gained a solider in his army. This summer while I worked at Woodward Camp I met Brandon Ream. He was the son of Gary Ream who is one of the men behind the vision of Woodward Camp. Brandon like me also had cancer and OMG was he inspiring. You all think I make you feel good, Brandon made even me feel like cancer wasnt the worst thing ever. He would ask how things were going with me I would say Ehhh... they could be better, not the best but i'm making it work.

He would always find the right words to say to me to lift my spirits, always reminding me I was in it to win it. Theres a special bond between those with cancer and unlike most we don't really know a whole lot about eachother while still knowing everything. Were Brandon and I best friends no not at all, but from the many times we interacted over the times he spent time at Woodward I learned something about him he was a truly selfless person. When you have cancer its so easy to be a selfish person, but not Brandon he was truly the one who would still be thinking about other people while he was going through his own battles in life.

His friends and family will truly miss him and remeber the battle he fought was a damn good one. Thankful for the time we spent and the laughter shared. God has a special way of bringing people through things and we can not speak on them until they happen. Over the summer during an evening golf cart conversation Gary asked me "Why do god things happen to great people, You, Brandon and Sam, all amaing people. Why you all?" I simply replied to him, "we are the ones who God placed in people's lives to make the biggest impact. Our struggles inspire others, our hardships bring families together and do things that others cannot do.

We are the one's God decided could take and handle the extra weight and make it worthwhile." Gary smiled at me and simply said "yes, your right." We mourn the loss of a loved one, but rejoice that God has given Brandon's loved ones their own personal gaurdian. There are many things I can say about him, however I will leave it at a great fighter gone too soon, however the impact he left was remarkable. I fight for me, I fight for my family and friends, and now I fight for Brandon too.

To my woodward family Love is what we need to remember the love we all shared for Brandon Ream.

XOXO,

Marecya

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When Life Seems to be Crashing Down..

You ever feel like it can't get much worse. I always felt like My surgeries and my cancer were bad, Then when I started Chemo I found a whole new low. I feel like just when I thought I was on the come up with my life, just when I thought hings were getting better for me. Now I am not to sure about what is next. I thought I knew the direction my life was heading and that quickly changed then changed again and again and now I am tired. I am so annoyed with all the shambles my life is in right now. Yet still, I have to be the tough one.

Ever get tired of being that tough one. The strongest person in the group who is often holding the most weight on their shoulders. Yeah, sucks right. well welcome to my life. Even though my faithful followers friends and family tell me otherwise I know and feel different. I probably am the strongest person many of you know it's not always sunny side up on this side. Being a strong person is harder then you think, your expected to be emotionless when all you may want to do is cry. Have to stand tall when all you may want to do is crumble. When you feel like it can't get much worse remember it can, and it can quickly. How worse it gets soley depends on you and how to react to when things do get worse.

XOXO,

Marecya

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1 Year and where is the change?

Last year I was having surgery. On November 1,2012 I was having my second surgery to remove another tumor. One year later here I am looking back and what do I have to say. Nothing positive. I have spent the last year of my life trying to find normal and I still have yet to do so. I fool myself everyday thinking I am normal. Well, I'm not in the slightest bit normal. You see cancer changed my life no matter how you look at it. I have become a different person beause of it. Last tuesday I was sitting in my aunts kitchen and she told me how proud she was of me, but she see this new peronality I have taken on that most peopleare not ready for.

Truth is when I found out I had cancer it broke my spirit and I thought I was going to die, an sometimes I dont think I will ever wake up from this nightmare. When you have surgery, then chemo, then have tests ran on you like your a lab rat almost bi-weekly you begin to think that is normal. Sad part is I can't say I remeber normal. I look at my friends and the only thing I do they they are doing is in school trying to graduate. Other then that they're the aliens in my world..LOL!

Pushing forward is tiring and honestly I would rather give up, sometimes the thought of giving up is easier then being poisoned with IV therapy, pills and radiation. Then I get the one text I need from a supporter telling me God has bigger plans for me. If I could pay to see these plans believe me I would. So to the woman named Cynthia Hawkins telling me to read Psalms 11, oh how you spoke to my life this morning and got me out of the bed. Verse 1 alone "In The Lord I put my trust;..." I will let that simmer on you all untll tomorrow.

XOXO,

Marecya

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New Vision

Hey guys, I know I've been all the way missing in action but my blog is actually taking a different turn. Please bare with me while I revamp my blog. 

XOXO,

Marecya 

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Tears of Joy

So by now everyone knows that yesterday was my birthday. July 6th I was brought into this world by Celia...However not many people know how emotional yesterday was for me. When I woke up I instantly missed my sister. With Courtney in South Africa I feel so empty needless to say I cried last night. Imaging your best friend going off the grid for a few weeks and you cant even talk to her,but back to this birthday story. The first thing I did when I woke up was thank God for allowing me to make it. Do you know how easy it was for me to be dead by now. Two surgeries where I could have easily died, all the intensive chemotherapy.

There are so many times I could have been the one that didn't make it. I've been battling cancer..scratch that cancer has been battling me for over a year now. I know cancer has to be sick of my overly resilient self...I know i'm tired of Cancer's irritating ways. My birthday every year reminds me of how strong I am. Every year my mom tells the story of my birth, you see my birth was one that shouldn't have happened. I was the special child who was turning black and blue in the womb due to the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck with my mother still pushing me out. Needless to say my birth was a miracle. Over this past year I have concluded that not only was my birth a miracle but my life is a miracle.

 It is a miracle that I have not taken my own life due to depression or horrible circumstances. It is truly a miracle that every night I go out with my friends I return home, a miracle that cancer is still battling me and I have not given in. Although I have desired more that anything to give in multiple times during the epic almost 2 year battle. Even thinking back to stories my mom tells me about my childhood, I know i'm one tough cookie. While it truly continues to amaze me daily how strong he made me when I was created. God knew he was conjuring up something great when he created me and all that I am. In my short 22 years of life I have been to and through more things than most middle aged adults and in my short 22 years of life I have pushed through more things than most middle aged adults. Mist of all in my short 22 years of life I have inspired more people then most people do in their entire lives. In 22 short years of life i have accomplished one of my biggest accomplishments to date, that is simply inspiring others to fight to live.

Live freely, live happily, but most of all as cliche as it is going to sound inspiring others to live strong. Living strong and healthy, and living with a purpose. Life is entirely to live purpose less. When God created us he created our purpose. We are driven by our purpose and they day society not only recognizes it but accepts it the world will be a better place. Strength is the only thing that has kept me alive several times over this past year. The fight that I had no idea I truly had does nothing but confirm my previous statement. Pride is not what little girls are made of... it's purely Strength.


XOXO,
Marecya

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Blank Spaces

With my birthday so close around the corner would you be surprised if I told you that I was not the least bit excited. I think I lost all motivation for all good things in January. Perception is key. I have given off the perception that all is well and that I am in a good space. Honestly I'm not at all. Health wise, mentally I am not in a good space at all. Do me a favor lend me your prayers.

XOXO,

Marecya

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NOCC Walk/Run to break the silence on Ovarian Cancer!

LETS GET IT !!!!!

REGISTER TODAY!!!!

nooc.org

Join my team!!!


XOXO,

Marecya

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God and his small works

Why is it that the moment your ready to give up and give in on life something amazing happens. Lately I've been slipping in and out if this nasty funk. Today was not the day for me at all but I put on my plastic smile and headed out the door. My day in the gym was ok. My ankle was bothering me so much I barley made it to 11:30 am to break for lunch. I've been so exhausted every day I feel like I'm literally wearing myself thin. So when the opportunity came to get away for a bit I jumped.

 On our way back to camp I saw probably the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen. Like the whole rainbow I really needed to see that. It was like a breath I fresh air to me when I saw it I remembered things are going to be fine. God never seems to fail us and always sees us through I just know that the rainbow was his little way of making me forget me worldly troubles and remember that he still is the one who holds all the cards. 

Xoxo,

Marecya

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Monday Blues

Monday was the worst day ever! I was on hill duty and busted my butt! Now I have a busted ankle and camp is no longer fun. Im in a big dumb ugly boot! UGH How did I ever fall. WALKING of all things. By the way my wifi is the absolute worse up here when I go home for the weekend whenever I do I will look into getting a wireless hotspot. Until then sing up for my Ovarian Cancer Walk!

NOCC 5K Walk/Run to Break the Silence

www.nocc.org

The Teal Diaries is the name of my team!

XOXO,

Marecya

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Peace and Serenity

My slice of happiness is in nature. I always find happiness in God's green earth. Now don't get it twisted I am not an outdoors person if I had it my way I would take the beautiful views without the animals that come with God's green earth. So I took the position that I have really wanted now or the past two years at Camp Woodward. So i'm up in PA working coaching gymnastics and forgetting about my cancer, forgetting about my problems, and enjoying my life.

Having cancer at a young age makes you do a lot of things that you wouldn't normally do, the main thing it made me do was want to live everyday like it was my last. When I finally accepted that God will take me when he's good and ready and regardless of my cancer or not I was able to slow my roll. Being up here is a truly rewarding experience. Not only am I doing what I truly love but I am also slowing things down and truly getting back to a schedule with my life. Cancer will always have control of my life if I allow it to, and this is me not allowing cancer to rule me. This girl will not lose.

XOXO,
Marecya

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NOCC 5k run/3k walk for Ovarian Cancer

Mark your calendars for September 29,2013 and go register for the walk/run in Annapolis,Maryland to break the silence on Ovarian Cancer! It's only $25 to register, most of us spend that on our lunch. Join my team lets make a difference. Together we can break the silence. Don't feel pressured to run, because I will be walking, but in all seriousness, everyone wants to know how they can help by getting people signed up for this walk. By breaking the silence on ovarian cancer. Making a difference is the only way. 

Email me to be a part of the movement

Marecyaburton@gmail.com

XOXO,
Marecya

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The strength above

As long as there is someone in the sky to protect me there is nothing on this earth that can break me.

XOXO,

Marexya 

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Ode to Elan

So before I get into this post I have to tell you the story of a lifetime. So were at Courtney's graduation and mom jacks seats from this guy. Then his family comes and she refuses to move. I told her this was not Bowie State University and we are at UMBC they will have security kick her out. So for anyone who does not believe me my MOTHER IS RATCHET! Okay, now back to my real blog post the moment I saw Courtney walk across the stage last year I nearly cried. This year I don't think I will cry but just be a proud sister. If you know anything about me you know first and foremost I am the BIGGEST little sister ever. I steal her clothes, wear her shoes, borrow her jewelry, giver her boyfriends a hard time the list goes on. I am proud of every moment she has, and everything she accomplishes. In perfect honesty I envy my sister her drive to do everything under the sun is like none I have ever seen.

Imaging your little sister going thru cancer, chemo, and her life crumbling, the entire family worried about her, you her BIG SISTER often times the only person she will talk to. Courtney has wiped countless tears from my face, she has given me unimaginable support, and unparalleled love even when I may have not deserved it. If you still don't understand maybe its because you hate your siblings or don't have any, but my sister is everything my therapist, my ATM, my guru, my heart and soul, and while I bring nothing but craziness to her life she brings me peace, serenity, and happiness. When she needs silence to study, i'm usually having a meltdown she deals with me and always gets back to business. Courtney is an incomparable woman and I have never been so proud to call anyone my sister, my best-friend, my everything. As I am sitting here blogging i'm remembering all the times she told me she was struggling and she didn't think she would finish. Yet, here she is preparing to walk across the stage.

 Her Masters Degree from the college of Arts, Humanities and Social Sciences at University of Maryland Baltimore College with a degree in Applied Sociology. It took her 1 year. She graduated with her bachelors degree last year and now one year later she is graduating again. So this is for you my rock, I pray you enjoy the moments that you have endured stress, turmoil, sleepless nights and everything else that comes with being a student, because these moments have made you the fearless woman you truly are. You have taught me how to be an amazing person by showing me what I should aspire to be. I have truly admired everything you have done from wiping my tears away to showing me what I want to be when I grow up. I know you will continue to make me proud, and I know you will continue to push for greatness and to impact everyone around you. I truly love you more than anything you will ever know and thank you for everything you do for me and I know your going to do for me in the near future and down the line. Thank you Elan for being everything thing I have always needed.

XOXO,
Marecya

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Beyond what the eyes can see

There comes a time when I truly get tired of Cancer. In all honesty I am so over this "sickness" that is supposed to be"hindering" me. Then people ask me how am I doing so well. Uh, number one i'm not doing as well as you think I am doing and number two I kind of like living. I'm not really finished with my story here on earth in my personal opinion. Lately life has been annoying, everyone around me graduating is irritating enough, then my sister once again the over achiever graduating again. ANNOYING!

 In all perfect honesty I am not thrilled about this appointment on Tuesday. I just know it going to be the same old thing. I don't think I will truly be satisfied until have no chance of having cancer again. I think the most stressful part of everything is the factor that is unknown The unknown is the scariest part of being sick, the fact that you can wake up feeling terrible one day and then feel fine the next moment. The fact that I can leave the house and by the time I reach my destination i'm exhausted or i'm throwing up my life. Not knowing your fate is particularly hard when your young, now add in being sick, and trying to pretend like your normal.

Can we say epic fail. Everyday is a test, and I would truly like to say I must be winning because I open my eyes everyday and by the grace of God I exhale. Big appointment on Tuesday. I need a low stress Monday and a good Tuesday morning. Let's all pray I get what I need.

XOXO,
Marecya

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BSU Graduation!!!

Okay so I'm sitting here waiting for 2013 commencement to begin and I must say i'm a little sad im not graduating. I am completely aware that for the last year and a half I have been sick but I truly do hate that I am not going out with the people I came in with. While yes there are plenty of people that came in with me that are not graduating today but in the vision that I always saw for myself I was graduating. It's not that I am trying to rush anything but I feel out of place at times

XOXO,
Marecya

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When things fall apart

Sometimes there is nothing that can be done to cheer you up other than the smile of a child. It's funny how children can always put a smile on your face, even when you want to be mad they say sorry and somehow everything is alright. Well about a dozen children put a smile on my face in the shape of get well soon cards. Early yesterday my sister asked me was someone coming to drop something off at my house I told her I was not expecting anyone. She opened the door and there was a teal gift bag left outside.

When I opened the bag it was cards from  students in Huston. They have been reading my blog and they all mad me Get well soon or stay strong cards. I almost cried when I realized what they were. So quick sidebar but I want to thank all the girls in Ms. King's class you are all awesome and put the biggest smile on my face on Monday. I've been so saddened by the things that have been happening to me lately that I forget about all the good things that happen. Cidney's students were truly a godsend to me. So of your reason for this blog post right now thanks so much guys. You truly have made me smile.

XOXO, 

Marecya 

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Your Dash

There is no reason I went off the grid this past week the way I did other than pure exhaustion. Last Sunday I went with my Auntie Yvette on a quick trip to Farmville, VA to check on her mother who was being admitted to the hospital. The 4 hour trip made in 3 hours Auntie Yvette was on edge. I can almost always read Auntie Yvette but in the car I could tell nothing other than she was purely terrified of the realization that this could very well become the worst possible scenario situation for her mother. Then I knew she thought of Markus in school at Mississippi State who was studying for his finals, and of her sister who was on the west coast. All of these thing surrounded her thoughts and I could see them on her face. When we arrived to the hospital the doctor expressed to us how sick she truly was, the hole in her large intestine was poisoning her and she was going to be in critical condition for the next several hours.

Monday morning Ms. Evelyn went home to be with the Lord. As Auntie Yvette struggled to keep herself together, I quickly strengthened up for the both of us. What I have learned this past week about death is that if anything it comes in time to be the peace that we all are lacking. Timing is key to all things and God's timing never falls short of anything less than perfect. Death is the most terrifying thing in my opinion. Although I fully believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins so I can have everlasting life. Although all this is true the reality of the situation is that everyone dies. People live to die. The most important thing about life is what you do with the few short years we have on this earth. I'm sure most of my blog readers has herd of the poem "The Dash" if  you have not you must read it. The poem is about death and how the dash between your sunrise and sunset represents life, moreover what you do with that dash.

When you die what will people say about you. How will people honor you at your funeral, will people speak highly of you or will your death go unnoticed. Death will come to us all but until then we all have to live life like we will not die. Live life like your going to impact the world, life like everyone will remember you for what you have done. That is what my dash will mean. My dash will stand for everyone who became aware of my efforts to raise awareness for Ovarian Cancer. When I die my family will mourn but they will remember my dash. I will remember Ms. Evelyn's dash along with the rest of my loved ones will I will see sooner then later. People want to know why I have not let cancer rule my life because I want my dash to speak more than cancer I want my dash to speak life. What will your dash say about you, will it speak life or death.

The Dash By: Linda Ellis

XOXO,
Marecya

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We smile for you

The people who enter your life in the strangest way, are almost always the kindest people to you. Roughly a year ago I physically met Deondra. I had heard about her for years she was Jay's ex-gf turned life guru/best-friend. Now I know what your thinking, but Deondra wasn't your typical ex-gf, I knew this the very first time she extended herself as a friend, well she was a little tipsy but it was so genuine. From that moment I realized she had a beautiful heart and she not only wanted the best for her friend but she also wanted the best for me. A stranger wanting the best for me. This morning was particularly tough for me I feel myself going on a slump. In all honesty folks things are just not looking in my favor. My appointment went all the way south, Jay is some kind of pissed/ hurt that I've changed, the lack there of structure in my life is stressing me out and I want a break from all the stress and I want somebody to remember the old bubbly me.

This morning somebody did, of all my friends and family the one who did was Deondra. The same person who according to society I shouldn't be "friends" with, Deondra sent me an email that brought me to tears. She reminded me I AM SICK! Consuming myself with the troubles of ill thoughts from "friends" or the people rooting for me to fail will not cut it. NOBODY can understand what I am going through. NOBODY can judge me for what I say I feel, or what I choose to do. Over this year I have changed, I fully admit it. I stopped being a student and stopped having a regular flow to life. It caused me to stop doing the little things that Jay loved, not intentionally but it happened. It caused me to stop thinking of life in a positive manner, and I began to thing everything was going to be bad all of the time. I've reached my breaking point. There is only so much I can bear from people who know NOTHING OF WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH! Hell yeah I smile in public and look fabulous when i'm out running the streets because if I didn't you all would look at me sideways. If I rolled out the house looking how I feel you all would hate me. So because I slap on a fake smile you forget i'm human. Negative. I have feelings I feel pain, I suffer, but to survive I had to push forward. I have to swallow up my pain for breakfast and grind through the pain. I've hurt more in the past year than some of you will hurt in your lives.

I am entitled to every pain and emotion that I feel, and yet I still smile. I smile for you, we all smile for you, everyone battling cancer smiles for the people around them because we damn sure don't smile for ourselves. We are tired, beat-up, worn down, told terrible news before we get better news, and we smile not for ourselves, but we smile for YOU! The one time many of us are asking to be selfish, sometimes we cant even get that. People can't understand that we will snap back but right now while I'm experiencing this storm I want to be selfish, and no matter how selfish we are we still find the way to smile for you! Our friends, our family, our signifiant others, our co-workers. We do it for you and the little thing we ask is to be selfish at the time when we need to be the most, even though were not being selfish by simply doing what we do best. Smiling through the pain. Deondra has seen me truly grow, she saw me be at point where I was happy and are free, and at a point where I was feeling the lows of the lows. She pointed something very distinct to me. She reminded me who I am, I am the one who gives all praise and glory to God. That I am the one who prays about everything and worries about nothing. She reminded me that my God's power, grace and mercy stretches so wide it allows him to be the first, the last and everything in between, the alpha and omega for my greek folks, he is the everlasting father, hosanna, the prince of peace. He is almighty and awesome and the nerve of me to ever think otherwise.

She reminded me my breakthrough is coming. God has taken everything from me, including my sanity, and I ain't even mad at him. See, you and God get a certain type of understanding when he loves you enough to take everything, because when he takes everything you thought was once right he's always preparing to give you something way more. See what i've learned is that God will be the only one who I can depend on 24/7 365 days a year and I should not EXPECT anyone else to. Yes it's nice to have friends and bf's and co-workers rooting for you but God will be the only one still there when everyone leaves you because they're sick of your crap. He will be the only one still there after everyone leaves you because you changed. God will be the only one there when it feels like the people who love you don't understand or walk away from you. God will carry you through the tireless nights it is he who is truly able to keep us from stumbling, and it is he who is responsible for the breath of life I breathe this very moment.

 After your last fan leaves and they're ready to turn the lights off GOD will be he one who lights your way. People often wonder why Deondra and I can talk like we have known each other for years. The proof is in the email. Good people always recognize good people.

XOXO,
Marecya

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In the morning

Today was a rough day on me mentally forgive me for not updating you on my appointment but I was frustrated to the maximum. Story and updates on life in the morning.

XOXO,

Marecya

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You've got questions, and I have answers

So I've decided to do something a little fun. Yesterday I shared my story at Tough In Teal a program at Bowie State University. After sharing my story I realized I know people have questions, and I have answers. So today, tomorrow and Wednesday  is your chance to ask all the questions you want. Email me at Marecyaburton@gmail.com send me your questions and I will answer your questions on my blog. Leave your name and where you're from and I will answer them. If you don't want anyone to know who you are make sure you add anonymous. If you follow me on facebook or twitter DM my inbox and i'll be sure to add your questions here.

XOXO,
Marecya

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Strong Enough For All Of Us

Last night while on my random Thursday night adventure with my survivor sister Mia, so many things came to light. The main thing we had revelations about is our strength. The strength we have is immeasurable. I have seen men break down at the thought of cancer winning this battle. While women stand taller than ever when facing cancer. My survivor sisters and I are the strongest people I know. We are strong for ourselves but also each other. That is the definition of strength. It's not measured by how much physical weight you an handle but the mental, emotional,spiritual,and physical strain that is put on us daily.

We can sometimes carry our friends and family through cancer, not the other way around. We can sometimes be the ones who show everyone what being strong really means. I remember when I was about 9 years old I got a picture from my mom and dad. It was a gymnast on the balance beam, and the picture said PRIDE, Thats's what little girls are made of. Which I truly lived by the moment after I received that picture. However now I realize that is not at all what little girls are made of. It is strength, strength is what I am made of. Strength is what my survivor sisters are made of and strength is what keeps us together, makes our bond strong which in turn makes up even stronger women. The fact that people often forget that i'm sick is bittersweet.

When people look at me like I am a regular person it makes me feel normal, but it means people forget i'm a person that has been poisoned for months by chemotherapy drugs to cure the cancer. I have cancer regardless of how I look or act, the point is no matter what is going on I have cancer. My strength allows me to get out of bed and to put a smile on my face everyday. We all have a different story, yet we all have the same story our strength through the highs and lows of cancer can be compared to nothing. Pride nor sugar spice and everything nice is what we are made of. Strength is what little girls are made of.

XOXO,
Marecya

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NOCC Run/Walk to Break the Silence on Ovarian Cancer

So I told you all there were great thing in store for me right...well the great things are in the works. Today I created my team for the NOCC Run/Walk to Break the Silence on Ovarian Cancer on September 29, 2013. I am so excited you guys! Now i'm not going lie to anyone I will not be running, because I am not a runner. I never have been and I never intend on being one, however I will walk to break the silence. Obviously Ovarian Cancer is serious to me, it has really rattled my soul and it needs to lite a fire under everyone's butt to BREAK THE SILENCE! Even if you have scheduling conflicts I still need donations. We are trying to raise $1,500, and I want at least 40 members to join my team, I know we can do this easily and furthermore I want you all to surprise me and help me surpass my goal. You can join my team in the link below, donate, or just check it out. Come on lets do this together lets break the silence on this deadly cancer. Also I know many of you have been trying to send me emails and things there will also be a link for my email below. Any questions about the walk/run or my blog, or about life send them to me.

XOXO,
Marecya

Join My Team HERE!!!
marecyaburton@gmail.com

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Alone in a room with all my baggage

Have you ever felt like you were alone, like all alone in he world. I have plenty of times in my life. I just felt like people just don't get me or understand who I am and what I need all the time. I don't think I ask for much but at the same time what is too much? I've encountered some depression over these past few days. Mainly because it's graduation season, and i'm supposed to be prancing across the stage getting my degree...but you see the way my cancer is set up i'm a little behind in school LOL! (true kevin hart fans would have caught that). I have no problems graduating late, but I feel like such a failure sometimes. I look at my older sister who graduated from UMBC last spring with her bachelors degree, and is graduating from UMBC this spring with her masters. Yeah I know what an overachiever. I love my sister dearly, but I sometimes hate all her accomplishments because they look amazing next to all my life blemishes.

Well cancer is more of a life struggle, but you get the point. I don't think I ask for much. I just want to graduate, plain and simple, nothing more nothing less. Today during the adventures of Marecya and Shawn, we ended up in the halls of Bowie High School where we both graduated from in 2009. Shawn and his fraternity brothers were doing a small performance for the high school kids at their class night, somehow I got sucked into tagging along. Of course shawn heard them say five o'clock and they went on at half past six, so we strolled down memory lane also known as the halls of Bowie High. As we roamed the hallways of our old stomping grounds I couldn't help but wish I was bak in high school when life was easier. I began to think am I really where I want to be in life? My answer was no. If I didn't have cancer would I be graduating and would I be happy with my life? Yes. My senior year in high school I stood out, I did great in school while my sisters freshman year in college could have been better. The days when I was all smiles and giggles, there was no stress or pressure.

Obviously we all have to grow up, but the fact that when we begin to grow we begin to see how cruel life really is. Today on campus I came across a young lady who has cervical cancer and for one it seemed like everything around she and I stopped as we talked about our common ground. The days I spend with my survivor sisters from The Teal is a big deal foundation I feel like i'm in my zone. It's like were all on the same page, and I never have to feel alone because they all know how I feel. When they stepped into my life things got better for me but still the battle is tough and the road is unsympathetic to emotions. Although I know that, and I freely admit it over and over again on my blog, the fact remains that my positioning is difficult, and few know the road I travel. Now do not confuse this blog post for something it is not. I am so proud of all my friends and sister that will be graduating. It's simply a bittersweet moment where I wish I too was sharing the joy if walking across the stage with my peers.

Becoming content with the detour God has placed me on is the biggest prt of the puzzle, and I am positive once I get that piece in place everything else will ease right in. Although I know my time will come, and when I do take that walk across the stage the taste will be even sweeter than it would have been before. Blood, sweat, tears, and struggle would have gone into the second biggest accomplishment in my life. When i finally BEAT CANCER, it WILL be my greatest accomplishment for as long as I live. I will defeat something that tried diligently to kill me, and it will truly be the sweetest thing I know.

XOXO,
Marecya

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Soul Broken, and Body Beaten

Over the past year I have been in an abusive relationship. My abusive relationship with Cancer. This big C! Yeah the one thing that terrifies grown men. My body has been cut, bruised, poisoned, and manipulated for this stupid cancer. My back has scars, my hair is gone, my arms, torso, legs, are all scared. Scared for cancer, scared for something I had no hand in, scared for something that was set out to break me from the very moment it entered my precious God given body. Cancer...this angry little cell trying to kill me. It has succeeded.

My mind is worn and my body is drained, but my spirit will never surrender to cancer. You see cancer has a mind of its own. It wants to make you feel useless and you will. Make you feel hopeless and you will, but in his own will he will bring you to Phil. 4:13 I can do all thing possible through christ who strengthens me. Me, I can do all things through he who gives me strength as I reach out to God looking for his help through this cancer. This cancer that has made friends run, and enemies come. This cancer that has love die and hatred come alive this damn cancer that has tried and tried to make me die. Yeah I bet it's wondering why I'm still alive. I can hear my body crying from every pinch of the needle to draw some blood, or to get some scans, or to be poisoned by chemotherapy which is nothing therapeutic at all.

The one thing I have fallen to is not cancer, but GOD. I have fallen on my face to give him all the praise and glory for every day I rise to do his work. The strength I find daily to get out of the bed comes from him. Cancer will not win, it will not win, not my cancer THE CANCER WILL NOT WIN! In times of struggle, desperation, confusion I must stand tall in the face of the demon in my body that we call cancer, trying to ruin my soul. Cancer shall not prevail, and I will come out a heavyweight champion.

XOXO,
Marecya

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Inhale, Exhale

All I did today was breathe, but its ok. I'm allowed to every few weeks.

XOXO,
Marecya

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Happy Anniversary

One year ago today I was preparing for the biggest day of my life. I was going under the knife to remove a tumor that was wrapped around my right ovary that was potentially cancerous. Around 3 pm I was checked in and they were running a few pre op tests on me. I was so scared for what what going to happen. The days leading up to my surgery were intense. April 1st marked an anniversary of my God sister passing. April 2nd my grandmother's oldest sister passed away. Antie (Momo's sister) was pretty much my boo, and I did not take her passing well at all. I wanted to go to her funeral, but I had surgery on Thursday needless to say it was not a good week.

One year ago today I was in a different point then I am now. Over a year I have been forced thanks to cancer to be stronger, wiser, and more secure with myself then ever. Over a year I have had to be the backbone for many people around me. Over a year I have mentally stressed myself out and come dangerously close to giving up and giving in. Over the past year I have cried and cried and cried. Over the past year I have tried to distance myself from God, and he has pulled me in closer then ever. Over the past year I have become determined to be a survivor. My faith has told me one thing through it all God will never give up on me. So if I have the most high fighting so hard for me then how dare I give up on myself. Now is it hard, yes. Do I get frustrated, yes. Do I want to give up, heck yes. It has been a year since my first surgery, and the days just get harder and harder, but I keep trying and I keep fighting. I'm not going to die because of cancer, just in case you were wondering. I am and have always been a fighter.

Thanks for all those who have showed my support over the past year, you all have given me so much inspiration and love it means the world to me. I also thank God for being the only one on my line 24/7. Ephesians 3:20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us. That verse right there is why I cant help but give him all the glory for all he has done and is going to do in my life. Cancer is an ugly thing that has the ability to make people even more ugly, however with the support of family and friends and most of all God on my side i'm making it, and I thank God everyday he allows me to make it one more day.

Happy Surgeryversary to me! My next Happy Anniversary will be the one when i'm  CANCER FREE!

XOXO,

Marecya

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Smile it looks good on you

Just a little something to brighten my day from a good friend thought I would share with you all.

XOXO,
Marecya

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The journey begins

It's time for me to get my life back in order the first thing I need to get is get right and tight for the summer time cause right now I'm sloppy something serious. Shout out to the fact I was on steroids during chemo, y'all thought my butt was big before you wouldn't believe it now, and the gut that accompanies it. I suppose Jay got tired of harassing me and is now forcing me to go to the gym with him he even ensured my cooperation by spending $150 on me in the Nike store so now I have no reason I can't go to the gym. New shoes, sports bra, and workout apparel. Continue to keep me in your prayers for what God has for me and you are unknown.

XOXO,
Marecya

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Truth is

Over the past few weeks I know I have been missing in action and I know many of my readers have been ready to put out an APB on my whereabouts. I first off want to apologize for the lapse in blog posts. Secondly I want to be real with you all as I said I always would be. Depression is real. I'm at the point where I don't want to do anything, and I am unmotivated to even get out of the bed in the morning. I feel like a failure, like I am not myself. It's not even about my hair anymore it's about how I actually feel about myself, and it's nothing positive. I try not to stress about it but I'm honestly tired of cancer, I am sick of it to my stomach. I've cried so hard about it that I turn red in the face and I cant breathe, then my chest starts hurting and to sum it all up I make myself sick thinking about CANCER and the effect it has put on my life.

Through prayer and alienating myself from everything to focus on what is making me feel this way, I still don't have answer. So I am revisiting a lot of issues here for you. God is able to do all things, yes we know and although my faith is stronger then ever sometimes I just get frustrated not only with myself but God. I get frustrated with God for putting me in this position to be so strong. I feel like I have this great support system and everyone commends me for being so brave and strong but I cry every night. I am tired and worn out. Through the journey I know he is using me for his glory and I'm okay with that, but I just want others to know that while I am not a basket case and not to feel sorry for me to remember while your lives are moving mine is on hiatus. The stress is overwhelming and it makes me have these moments where I just want to crumble. I'm not sure what part of the test this is but I can't say i'm passing with flying colors.

XOXO,
Marecya

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Forgive me please

I have not forgotten about my readers. I needed a break from everything momentarily. New posts coming soon.

XOXO,
Marecya

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Snow Storm Blues

Halfway thru my chemo appt this morning and rough is not even the word for what my morning has been. Of course on my week of chemo a snow storm decides it wants to just slide on thru the DMV. Now y'all know by now I NEVER want to go to chemo, like never in the mood. So you would think that hearing my father tell me at 6:30am not to go I would be trilled right??? WRONG!!! Missing chemo today would have meant coming in here on a Saturday.... And I am all the way not about that life! So after my friend Angie struggled to get me out of bed I was calling in my chemo and ready to shower, change, and get thru the rainy snow on to Johns Hopkins. To top my morning off Ali and her film crew came to see me during treatment today. In all honesty guys I've been blessed with a positive outlook and upbeat spirit so if you didn't know me or read my blog you would never know I had ovarian cancer... Well maybe other than my lil crystal ball lol. So the crew wanted to get some shots of me while actually getting treatment since any other time I'm smiling, face beat to perfection, laughing, cheering, and flipping around. I'm glad they came it gave me the quick boost I needed to get thru the last 2hrs of treatment today.

XOXO,
Marecya

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Motivation from my motivators

What keeps me strong you ask... You my readers. My subbies, the ones who are rooting for me everyday. I salute you.

XOXO,

Marecya

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#BSURUNSCIAA

Wow. The weekend I had was amazing. I went to Charlotte for the CIAA Tournament. I was excited to go because it was going to be a nice ending to my senior season that had already been butchered thanks to Ovarian Cancer. So Thursday morning I made the trip to Charlotte with Vivica. Thursday Night the men played Lincoln University of PA and they won! Friday night they played Winston Salem State University and they won again. They were going to the championship!!!! My freshman year the women's team made it but since then we have not made it past the semi finals with either team. Saturday night the arena was packed and the men won!!! Bowie State University are the men's 2013 basketball champions. Can you say bragging rights for the year. That wasn't even the best part being apart of the routine on super Saturday was amazing. It was a movie, when the entire bobcats arena stood up and applauded me and the way I am standing up to cancer. It was everything I could have ever needed. I got compliments from SWV, Hosea Chanchez (Malik from The Game), Mr. CIAA and pretty much every one else at the arena. It was awesome. To see that all these people that had no idea who I was prior to me tumbling out and hopping in the performance were showing me so much love. They were so inspired by my energy and my spirit it was amazing. I loved this weekend it gave me nothing but positive energy going in my week of chemo. Lets see how long this high lasts.

XOXO,

Marecya

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#TeamRecyaB

Cheers to amazing friends. How far would you go If your friend or loved one had cancer? The fact that my friends and family have been taking drastic measures to ensure that I feel the support is amazing. Cancer is about what you make it and who you have in your corner and I have all the right people in mine. #teamrecyab

XOXO,

Marecya

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Still Living

Well as usual, shout out to the lack there of  white blood count which has once again pushed back my chemotherapy  In all honesty I hate going to chemo, and I hate just being off from life. I look around and see everyone moving and it sometimes feels like I'm standing still. If you knew me before the blog, before this cancer thing, then you knew I could never sit still. I was always involved, so at times it's really hard to just stand still. It's honestly getting hard. While I know that God would never put anything on me I can't handle, it's impossible not to ask the question why me. Out of all of the soldiers in his army why was I chosen for this particular task. Honestly that side effects are kicking in, I am so tired these days, but I didn't forget what Momo told me when I had surgery. Get out of the bed and make it up, you can always get back in it later. That is the only thing that keeps me going. I never want to get out of the bed, but by doing so I start the day and find whatever little motivation to do something I still have not lost the urge to do. Live.

XOXO,

Marecya

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Die Cancer, Die!

This photo is truly how I feel about Cancer. All cancer not just Ovarian Cancer. I have truly seen what is can do to a person and their spirit, so for that I hope cancer gets a taste I it's own medicine.

XOXO,

Marecya

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The Seen Unseen

Four years in the making all came down to Saturday night. Senior night, the last home game of my senior year on the team, and I hope you didn't think I was going to miss it. Saturday started off with my PBS interview which went amazing. Ali and the crew were awesome and they loved my family. Once that was finished I got soooooo excited because it was my last home game. That game was everything I needed to say the least. Honestly Bowie State was not my choice school. I really wanted to go to Jackson State in Mississippi, but I was in love with my boyfriend at the time, and I essentially missed out on the opportunity. My best friend also missed out on her opportunity to go to her dream school so we both settled on Bowie. We were roomies while I lived on campus so it wasn't half bad. Any who back to the story, my decision to cheer at Bowie was solely because I had nothing better to do. Let's be honest I didn't even want to go to the school.

My very first practice was ridiculous I was lost and confused and I knew this was going to be a little harder than I anticipated. The CIAA style of cheerleading with it's stomping and shaking was something I had not done prior to that first practice. Everyone was looking at me like who is this chick with two knee braces on. It was a mess. The rest of the summer practices were dedicated to learning cheers, dances and working on stunts for camp. We were the newbies and everybody knew it. We were paired up with big sisters who were to help guide us along the way. Although they were to guide us we really had to stick together to make it. As tradition stood we remained newbies for the summer and the preparations for us to become Bowie State University Golden Girls would begin along with the school year. We were innocent individuals that learned to become a confident unit. We began to move together as one and truly became sisters. We made mistakes along the way but the difference between us and many other teams is the way we worked through them and created bonds so strong that soon petty drama bounced off of us. Our big sisters on the team pushed us so hard we were only destined for greatness, and that's what the past 4 years of cheerleading really was, Greatness.

We were Golden Girls who had persevered through and overcame all obstacles that stood in front of us. We love each other, whole hearted love each other. I know for fact I can call any of my sisters that came in with me for anything. Senior night was the last time we were going to be together on the court, and I can truly say it was the best night we have ever had on the court. I cheered my little heart out and I tumbled too. During the senior presentation I cried because I have truly grown to love these girls and I truly am going to miss the memories we created cheering. However cheering that night gave me something I needed. Adrenaline the rush of controlling the crowd with cheering and dancing. Oh and when I tumbled I had the crowd loving me once again like the did before. Saturday night I proved everyone wrong.

Cancer will not stop me, and chemotherapy will not hinder me. Cheering on Saturday night showed everyone how strong I am. From newbies, to copperheads, to becoming Golden Girls I love me sisters. The Seen Unseen we were named, which humbled us all the same. Nothing will ever compare to my GG sisters the love we share can never be broken, and I truly had the best night I've had in the longest time.


XOXO,
Marecya

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On Instagram Straight Flexin

On Wednesday my best friend Jasmine and I planned a nice little girls night. It was going to be nothing big we just wanted to hang, maybe grab a redbox, have a cute little evening. Well that's exactly how it began and it ended pretty epic. Jasmine always said when my hair goes so does hers, and ladies and gentleman on Wednesday at like 10:30 at night we became two bald girls. Shout out to our barber, because one wrong snip and Tori would have had Jasmine looking crazy. After we got our haircuts we immediately whipped out our make up and went to work on our faces. The finished product was pure beauty, not only because we actually are beautiful girls, but because our friendship was beaming through our skin pours.

After a quick photo shoot and pic stitch assembly the only thing that was missing from both of us hitting the upload button were captions, which we all know must be perfect. After a little word play our pictures were on Instagram to see. Now pay attention because this is where the story gets crazy, within in seconds our pictures had hundreds on likes with in hours, tons of re-post's, and comments galore. Between our two pages we have over 2,000 likes on something we thought was normal. All the love we received from the picture was crazy, so many people were directed to my blog to see my story and check me out and be informed about the only reason as to why they are even looking at this picture. OVARIAN CANCER!

That feeling was unreal. If you go back to my very first blog post you get your answer, everyone wants to know why I decided to blog, if for YOU!!! I want to make everyone aware of what is happening right in front of them, and if the only way to do it is from this computer right here then so be it. This cancer caught me off guard, nothing more, and nothing less, and if by reading my blog maybe you catch a symptom a little earlier than you would have otherwise, I am a happy camper. All in all I love the positive feed back from Instagram, we are raising awareness for Ovarian Cancer one step at a time. So my check list is all checked off. Hair cut, check. Girls night, check. Raising awareness for Ovarian Cancer, check. Mission Accomplished.

See the IG post for your own eyes @Jay_Butler @Psst_heyguys


XOXO,
Marecya

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