Over the past few weeks I know I have been missing in action and I know many of my readers have been ready to put out an APB on my whereabouts. I first off want to apologize for the lapse in blog posts. Secondly I want to be real with you all as I said I always would be. Depression is real. I'm at the point where I don't want to do anything, and I am unmotivated to even get out of the bed in the morning. I feel like a failure, like I am not myself. It's not even about my hair anymore it's about how I actually feel about myself, and it's nothing positive. I try not to stress about it but I'm honestly tired of cancer, I am sick of it to my stomach. I've cried so hard about it that I turn red in the face and I cant breathe, then my chest starts hurting and to sum it all up I make myself sick thinking about CANCER and the effect it has put on my life.
Through prayer and alienating myself from everything to focus on what is making me feel this way, I still don't have answer. So I am revisiting a lot of issues here for you. God is able to do all things, yes we know and although my faith is stronger then ever sometimes I just get frustrated not only with myself but God. I get frustrated with God for putting me in this position to be so strong. I feel like I have this great support system and everyone commends me for being so brave and strong but I cry every night. I am tired and worn out. Through the journey I know he is using me for his glory and I'm okay with that, but I just want others to know that while I am not a basket case and not to feel sorry for me to remember while your lives are moving mine is on hiatus. The stress is overwhelming and it makes me have these moments where I just want to crumble. I'm not sure what part of the test this is but I can't say i'm passing with flying colors.
XOXO,
Marecya
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