So somewhere in my perfect little world I thought that I would go have chemo, lose my hair, everything would go as planned and I would be fine, right...WRONG! My whit blood count has dropped below 400. Yeah, its supposed to be 2500-4000, but since poison was being flooded into my body everyday for a week 1000 is acceptable. So how did my counts drop to under 400 well I couldn't tell you that. What I can tell you is that when I got my blood drawn on January 17th it was 700, and when I got my blood drawn January 23rd it was under 400. So they have decided to postpone my chemotherapy for a week to make sure they don't completely kill whats left of my white blood cells, also known as my immune system.
I wouldn't have a problem with this if my current 3 week cycle didn't perfectly allow me to still participate in all the events I wanted to. Pretty much THIS SUCKS! I know I have cancer so I should be worried about my health but I actually like to consume myself in other things. I absolutely love it when I forget that I have cancer. When I go to Bowie State games and see my teammates cheering sucks, but times like that I actually forget that I have cancer, and I'm in between chemo cycles. I couldn't tell you why I do but i look forward to those moments.
I really hope my WBC comes back up, but the only reason I want them to come up is so i'm not confines to the house and I can forget for a few more moments that i'm sick. So when I called momo to ask her what can I do to speed this up she told me nothing but rest. -_- I HATE RESTING! It's not me i'm active I like to move around and be out and about doing something anything, but since i'm more scared of my grandmother then my doctor rest is what I shall be doing. I go get my blood drawn again on Monday morning and I pray my counts are back up because if they are not I can't say I can stay in this house much longer. If anyone has any home remedies. or herbal solutions i'm down for trying alomst anything at least once. Leave a comment with any suggestions :)
XOXO,
Marecya
Sunday, January 27, 2013
The Final Goodbye
Okay, I don't want to sound like a pain but the fact that my hair is falling out is really killing me. Point black I miss my hair and the fact that I have all these pics in my phone of my hair looking AMAZING makes it even worse. I'm not trying to be like depressed about my hair but I do miss my luscious locks of hair. I bet your asking yourself well, what is she going to do about it? So here's the plan i'm going to go to MAC and buy some fresh blush and foundation and a fresh cultured gloss then i'm going have them beat my face down for free, and after that I am going to go to the barbershop and have them take me down all the way like Amber Rose down and try not to care. What will this solve, the more my hair sheds, the more I cry about it the less strands I have to pull out the less tears I will have. Don't get me wrong I LOVED my hair cut it world for my little peanut head but the fact is that I should have made that cut a long time ago...but since you live and you learn i'll chalk that up to a learning experience and now I know I look entirely too good with short hair. Any who, I've decided to leave you all with some fabulous hair pics of me so you can have one last lust of my hair ;)
My point is that in all of these pictures my hair is on and poppington! I guess it's one of those things you never thought you would miss until it's actually gone and while I do love the new short style i've been rocking my hair is still going to fall out and it has already started the road to baby bottom bald. Now call me a creep but i've been saving most of the hair that falls out, yeah I know its weird, but it's my HAIR! Funny thing I used to judge everyone I know with dreads that saved their hair in a zip lock bag once they cut it, now i'm one of them.
So the hair started with a few strands now I have this STUPID bald spot on the top of my head -_- whoo sah! I'm going to get my life together soon and get a wig made. Hopefully I win this hair giveaway from one of my favs on youtube teasedblackpearlz go subscribe to her she makes everything look flawless. She is giving away 5 bundles of hair so you know I entered so everyone pray I win this hair because this wind on the back of my little neck is REAL! I've not fully come to terms with the fact I am going to lose all my hair I just try to cope with it bit by bit, day by day. This is the beginning so here's my final goodbye to my gorgeous hair you will soon find me again I know until then all I will have is the pictures, God willing they will mend my broken heart from the loss of my luscious locks. Ashes to ashes, dusk to dusk the final goodbye to my hair I must.
XOXO,
Marecya
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
I am not my hair...but I really am
I am absolutely distraught! Okay so my hair cut turned out absolutely AMAZING! It's fierce to the max! I realized that short hair is a lifestyle, so I adapted to the lifestyle it's glamorous so after I got my hair cut I got my eyebrows snatched, put some lashes on and some big earrings with my ever so faithful cultured by Mac gloss and I was 3 snaps fabulous feeling myself. There was a TV game at Bowie Saturday so I decided to surprise my teammates and come to the game with my new do and everyone LOVED MY HAIR! Even Coach T. who lives by the hash tag #longhairdontcare, so one would only assume I was feeling myself, yes Indeed. Sunday morning at church was a repeat of the game Saturday everyone LOVED my little bald self so you could only imaging that after so much positive feedback on my hair I would continue to be high on life. but of course that wouldn't last long it would only be right that the universe hates me as usual. My hair has started to fall out the first 8 strands I accidentally pulled out was shocking to say the least, however it still did not hot me that my hair is going to continue to fall out until there is no more.
Last night when I was finally ready to tap out for the evening the shedding only got worse and 8 strands quickly multiplied to 50 strands. I ran my fingers through my hair and a handful came out. I instantly lost my mind and began crying uncontrollably even though I cut my hair so that my hair falling out would not be so bad and I could feel in control of my hair loss it was a big fat lie and I cried, I cried hard and ugly. There is a song by India Arie called I am not my Hair. If you haven't listened to the song it's a great song you feel super empowered when you listen to it. Especially with all the unfortunate hair complexes that many black women have. I would love to say that I was not one of them but I am.
I loved my hair and if you know me personally you know how serious I am about my hair. My hair always looks BOMB DIGGITY!!!! Like fresh pin curls everyday! My hair always looked full, healthy, shiny and everyone always told me your hair looks good! Even when I cut my hair everyone STILL loved the little bit of hair I did have because I styled that hair dooowwwnnnn over the course of two days that have passed everyone still wanted my hair. I could step out in a paper bag but my hair would be laid. Sweat pants, no make-up crust in my eyes and you would still say my hair looked great. So I am my hair! I took pride in my luscious locks of hair, and now that it's falling out I'm mortified. I have not come to the terms that my hair is falling out and will continue to fall out, honestly I don't know when I will. I know it will grow back and according to my research when my hair grows back its going to be even more amazing then before and I may have a new natural hair color and I'm pretty much guaranteed an even more amazing texture then I had before, and let me tell you my texture was one to be envied.
Truth is I had a breakdown about my hair the one thing I though I actually prepared myself for. Okay so scratch every thing before and we shall start again. First my hair breakdown made one thing clear I am not prepared for the hair loss, skin discoloration, weight loss or any of the side effects of chemotherapy. Second, one can not properly prepare for the point unseen beyond the horizon until its reached, and third I need a new plan like now.
XOXO,
Marecya
Last night when I was finally ready to tap out for the evening the shedding only got worse and 8 strands quickly multiplied to 50 strands. I ran my fingers through my hair and a handful came out. I instantly lost my mind and began crying uncontrollably even though I cut my hair so that my hair falling out would not be so bad and I could feel in control of my hair loss it was a big fat lie and I cried, I cried hard and ugly. There is a song by India Arie called I am not my Hair. If you haven't listened to the song it's a great song you feel super empowered when you listen to it. Especially with all the unfortunate hair complexes that many black women have. I would love to say that I was not one of them but I am.
I loved my hair and if you know me personally you know how serious I am about my hair. My hair always looks BOMB DIGGITY!!!! Like fresh pin curls everyday! My hair always looked full, healthy, shiny and everyone always told me your hair looks good! Even when I cut my hair everyone STILL loved the little bit of hair I did have because I styled that hair dooowwwnnnn over the course of two days that have passed everyone still wanted my hair. I could step out in a paper bag but my hair would be laid. Sweat pants, no make-up crust in my eyes and you would still say my hair looked great. So I am my hair! I took pride in my luscious locks of hair, and now that it's falling out I'm mortified. I have not come to the terms that my hair is falling out and will continue to fall out, honestly I don't know when I will. I know it will grow back and according to my research when my hair grows back its going to be even more amazing then before and I may have a new natural hair color and I'm pretty much guaranteed an even more amazing texture then I had before, and let me tell you my texture was one to be envied.
Truth is I had a breakdown about my hair the one thing I though I actually prepared myself for. Okay so scratch every thing before and we shall start again. First my hair breakdown made one thing clear I am not prepared for the hair loss, skin discoloration, weight loss or any of the side effects of chemotherapy. Second, one can not properly prepare for the point unseen beyond the horizon until its reached, and third I need a new plan like now.
XOXO,
Marecya
Friday, January 18, 2013
Ummm. Not too sure about this folks---
I'm at the hair salon nervous for the end result is unknown. My task is cutting my hair. I'm so scared. Jesus take the wheel! End result with pics coming to you soon ;)
XOXO,
Marecya
XOXO,
Marecya
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The Silent Killer
Ovarian cancer is the FIFTH most common cancer among women, and it causes more deaths than any other type of female reproductive cancer. So where does it some from you ask, well of course The cause is unknown.
But here is where I obviously went wrong. I clearly should have had a kid right out of middle school, statistics show that the more children a woman has and the earlier in life the lower her risk for ovarian cancer, so shooting for kids in my 25-30 range maybe not the brightest idea now. Birth control pills, decrease the risk of ovarian cancer, so instead of taking birth control in college once again I was too late, maybe after I left elementary school would have been a better move. Seriously what kind of foolishness is this birth control at 12 to prevent cancer.
There is something called awareness people sheesh! Knowing what causes cancer, knowing the signs, the red flags the things you can prevent, and the things you have no control over. Ovarian Cancer is called the SILENT KILLER! I bet you're wondering why...simple because the symptoms are stupid everyday symptoms that nobody ever realizes until it's too late. Watch I'll give you the perfect excuse for every symptom. Bloating: I'm on or coming on my cycle, I just ate, I've been eating and I am getting fat. Difficulty Eating/ Feeling full quickly: I ate like a pig earlier, I guess I was not a hungry as I thought/ my eyes were bigger than my stomach. Lower abdominal pain: I didn't stretch before I worked out, I did too many ab's, I pulled a muscle. Abnormal Menstrual Cycles, The story of every female's life at some point or another. Increased urination: I finally started drinking more water. In addition to all of the symptoms being lame in my opinion you can easily ignore them, but that is not the way to go.
My point is there is a reason for everything. I personally had reasons for every symptom but as women we all need to do a better job of knowing our bodies, and know the things that can happen to our bodies. Yeah I know it wont happen to you, welp...I didn't think it would happen to me and here we are nearly a year later from my first surgery.
Do me a favor Get educated. know the risks, know the symptoms, and be aware. Protect the V ladies! Follow the links for some knowledge!
XOXO,
Marecya
Ovations for the cure
NOCC
There is something called awareness people sheesh! Knowing what causes cancer, knowing the signs, the red flags the things you can prevent, and the things you have no control over. Ovarian Cancer is called the SILENT KILLER! I bet you're wondering why...simple because the symptoms are stupid everyday symptoms that nobody ever realizes until it's too late. Watch I'll give you the perfect excuse for every symptom. Bloating: I'm on or coming on my cycle, I just ate, I've been eating and I am getting fat. Difficulty Eating/ Feeling full quickly: I ate like a pig earlier, I guess I was not a hungry as I thought/ my eyes were bigger than my stomach. Lower abdominal pain: I didn't stretch before I worked out, I did too many ab's, I pulled a muscle. Abnormal Menstrual Cycles, The story of every female's life at some point or another. Increased urination: I finally started drinking more water. In addition to all of the symptoms being lame in my opinion you can easily ignore them, but that is not the way to go.
My point is there is a reason for everything. I personally had reasons for every symptom but as women we all need to do a better job of knowing our bodies, and know the things that can happen to our bodies. Yeah I know it wont happen to you, welp...I didn't think it would happen to me and here we are nearly a year later from my first surgery.
Do me a favor Get educated. know the risks, know the symptoms, and be aware. Protect the V ladies! Follow the links for some knowledge!
XOXO,
Marecya
Ovations for the cure
NOCC
Thursday, January 10, 2013
My Silent Tears.
So the moment you all have been waiting for I shed tears. I did NOT want to get up on Wednesday morning to go to chemotherapy. Courtney literally had to get me out of bed because as my sister she saw the pain in my face on Wednesday. So I called in my chemo got into the shower and I cried. It wasn't a long cry but I shed the tears I had been holding in since Monday. Okay so flat out chemo is REAL! Between the nausea, and pure exhaustion chemo has had me done! Everyday I come home I pick between the two couches or the recliner which every knows is my dad's chair, and I am pretty sure the only reason I'm allowed is because I just had chemo earlier in the day.
Anyway my tears were quiet and they almost silently rolled down my face. In my heart I wanted to know if God was even paying attention to my little baby tears in the shower, and sure enough my answer came that evening when my mom arrived home. A young woman she works with sent a gift for me. This lady was the answer that God was sending to me telling me stop tripping, he knows it's tough, and that he didn't forget about me. Quick background on the woman her and her husband are out here living the best way they can, like any other young couple they have to work for everything they have, and they have to work hard. The words she told my mom were that she didn't have much but this small round box was given to her, and it helped her get through during her time at Howard University. The small wooden box contained scriptures, small scriptures rolled up and in true form God led my hand to pluck Isaiah 30:19 He will be very gracious unto thee at the voice of thy cry; when he hears it, he will answer thee. Wow! God is stirring up something serious for me folks.
Hands down the best gift anyone has ever given me, it moved my spirit in such a way that instantly gave me hope. Oh but God, don't you all just love how he drops by and does things like that in life. The stress of chemo has already started to become very irritating to me. I think i'm irritated because its a very tedious process. I can't get certain drugs together, I need my nausea medicine, the fluids make me pee, you all should be able to see how this would get old quickly however I'm determined to end my first week of chemo in high spirits. who know's maybe i'll even catch a movie after chemo or go to the mall...LOL! Yeah probable not but a girl can dream right.
Until my next post I want to throw a quick shout out to everyone who has sent me a text, said a prayer, or kept me in their thoughts. You are truly a saint and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, you have NO IDEA how much it means when someone tells me I'm thinking of and praying for you. So thank you, thank you, thank you everyone. Be blessed and until next time...
XOXO,
Marecya
Anyway my tears were quiet and they almost silently rolled down my face. In my heart I wanted to know if God was even paying attention to my little baby tears in the shower, and sure enough my answer came that evening when my mom arrived home. A young woman she works with sent a gift for me. This lady was the answer that God was sending to me telling me stop tripping, he knows it's tough, and that he didn't forget about me. Quick background on the woman her and her husband are out here living the best way they can, like any other young couple they have to work for everything they have, and they have to work hard. The words she told my mom were that she didn't have much but this small round box was given to her, and it helped her get through during her time at Howard University. The small wooden box contained scriptures, small scriptures rolled up and in true form God led my hand to pluck Isaiah 30:19 He will be very gracious unto thee at the voice of thy cry; when he hears it, he will answer thee. Wow! God is stirring up something serious for me folks.
Hands down the best gift anyone has ever given me, it moved my spirit in such a way that instantly gave me hope. Oh but God, don't you all just love how he drops by and does things like that in life. The stress of chemo has already started to become very irritating to me. I think i'm irritated because its a very tedious process. I can't get certain drugs together, I need my nausea medicine, the fluids make me pee, you all should be able to see how this would get old quickly however I'm determined to end my first week of chemo in high spirits. who know's maybe i'll even catch a movie after chemo or go to the mall...LOL! Yeah probable not but a girl can dream right.
Until my next post I want to throw a quick shout out to everyone who has sent me a text, said a prayer, or kept me in their thoughts. You are truly a saint and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, you have NO IDEA how much it means when someone tells me I'm thinking of and praying for you. So thank you, thank you, thank you everyone. Be blessed and until next time...
XOXO,
Marecya
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