Friday, December 5, 2014


There are a handful of people that know what I went through this summer. How I let it affect me, how I am possibly still here and at peace. They saw me break down over and over, and over again. Yet, still I've made it to the end of yet another year. At one point I didn't believe I could be broken anymore, and still I slid further and further. God was always on my side, that doesn't mean it was a cakewalk. Sleep deprived, knees sore from prayer and still I felt like I was dying. Finally I realized, life doesn't care about you, about what you want, about what you deserve. It's all up to you.

Three strikes and your out! That’s the rule of life right, that’s what people say when they're fed up with you. Well what do you tell life when your fed up with it? Have you ever just lost everything you have had or have ever wanted? Have you ever been so fed up with life that you just have no more fight in you to give? I think about people who fall into this category. Expectant mothers who suddenly lose the child in their womb, cancer patients who hear there is nothing we can do. I think about me. All these people that have love and life ripped from their hearts, for what, for this game called life? Adapt or die. As many times as we’ve heard it, the lesson doesn’t get easier. Problem is, we’re human. We want more than just to survive. We want success, we want love, we want honesty, and happiness. We want to be the best we can be so we fight like hell to get those things, because as humans we know what we want and when we don't have those things we want, and everything else feels like death.

Sometimes, things are simply out of your control. You can't change them. You can't bend them to your will. It doesn't matter if you're already forty-five minutes late, your hair isn't brushed, you haven't fixed breakfast and you're killing brain cells by the second while you sit here.  Dying, dying inside you can't change the way things pan out. Sure you can hope for the best but honestly hoping for the best never gets me very far in life. Hoping for the best is not preparing for the worst and preparing for the worst is the best thing you can do sometimes. Think about it, what if we all factored in the worst-case scenario in our daily lives, and interactions. When everything hits the fan I don't think we would be as shocked or hurt that our lovers cheated on us, our bodies betrayed us, the friends we thought we had turned their backs on us, or my personal favorite the universe just simply hates us.

So what do you do? How do you decide when you’re left in the dark? How do you make sure you’re not making the worst decision of your life? How do you decide when you've had enough? You close your eyes. You block out everyone and everything around you. You pray the voice inside of you is right, because once you’ve decided you can’t ever go back. It might be hard for anyone to admit, but there's no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you really are. A little self-awareness never hurt anyone. Because when you know who you are, it's easier to know what you're about, and what you really need. It's easy to know that you need someone to help you through the rough patches. To ease you through the game, but what do you do when you don't have that? When you have no fight in you but they sympathy from others rolls in. Do you fight, or do you remain content with the idea that you've done your job?

When your 0-2 how do you get the next win? How do you attempt to tie the score? Moving forward what do you do? Whenever we think we know the future, even for a second, it changes. Sometimes the future changes quickly and completely and we’re left only with the choice of what to do next. We can choice to be afraid of it. To stand, trembling, not moving. Assuming the worst that can happen or we step forward into the unknown and assume it will be brilliant. So what do you do, plan for the worst and hope for the best pretending like the worst can't happen, or do you remain aware of all possible options?



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