What do you have to be thankful for???

What do you have to be thankful for? Life, your health, your loved ones? What does thankful even mean. Sometimes I don't even know what to be thankful for and then I take a breath. When I look back on the past 2 years of my life I don't have anything to be thankful for I have cancer, lets be real. Then I pause and reflect and I have so much to be thankful for. I have cancer and I hate that it consumes my life, but I have a life. I have a life to live, and I have people to make me smile. I have classes to go to and shoes to save up for. I am THANKFUL for My lord and savior for keeping me through my storms. If I told you how many times I didn't want to continue in life you would probably be shocked.

Yesterday someone I love and admire very much told me I wish you were actually this strong person you portray yourself to be sometimes. It clicked right there I know I stay strong for everone else but I never stay strong for myself. I never take the time to tell Marecya that it's going to be okay. Mentally I am scarred and I need someone to remind me I am normal. I legit feel crazy sometimes, but oddly enough that's what I am thankful for. It reminds me that I am normal to not be okay, because if all that I have been through has not made me a little crazy then, something is wrong. So I give thanks for my struggle and my story. I am thankful for my suffering durring my cancer. I am thankful for my internal issues. I am thankful to God that I have a story and I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for my cancer.

Most of all I'm thankful for God keeping me through it all and never once letting me down.

XOXO,

Marecya

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Rest on Brandon Ream

The other day we lost a friend, son, brother, husband, and fighter while. God gained a solider in his army. This summer while I worked at Woodward Camp I met Brandon Ream. He was the son of Gary Ream who is one of the men behind the vision of Woodward Camp. Brandon like me also had cancer and OMG was he inspiring. You all think I make you feel good, Brandon made even me feel like cancer wasnt the worst thing ever. He would ask how things were going with me I would say Ehhh... they could be better, not the best but i'm making it work.

He would always find the right words to say to me to lift my spirits, always reminding me I was in it to win it. Theres a special bond between those with cancer and unlike most we don't really know a whole lot about eachother while still knowing everything. Were Brandon and I best friends no not at all, but from the many times we interacted over the times he spent time at Woodward I learned something about him he was a truly selfless person. When you have cancer its so easy to be a selfish person, but not Brandon he was truly the one who would still be thinking about other people while he was going through his own battles in life.

His friends and family will truly miss him and remeber the battle he fought was a damn good one. Thankful for the time we spent and the laughter shared. God has a special way of bringing people through things and we can not speak on them until they happen. Over the summer during an evening golf cart conversation Gary asked me "Why do god things happen to great people, You, Brandon and Sam, all amaing people. Why you all?" I simply replied to him, "we are the ones who God placed in people's lives to make the biggest impact. Our struggles inspire others, our hardships bring families together and do things that others cannot do.

We are the one's God decided could take and handle the extra weight and make it worthwhile." Gary smiled at me and simply said "yes, your right." We mourn the loss of a loved one, but rejoice that God has given Brandon's loved ones their own personal gaurdian. There are many things I can say about him, however I will leave it at a great fighter gone too soon, however the impact he left was remarkable. I fight for me, I fight for my family and friends, and now I fight for Brandon too.

To my woodward family Love is what we need to remember the love we all shared for Brandon Ream.

XOXO,

Marecya

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When Life Seems to be Crashing Down..

You ever feel like it can't get much worse. I always felt like My surgeries and my cancer were bad, Then when I started Chemo I found a whole new low. I feel like just when I thought I was on the come up with my life, just when I thought hings were getting better for me. Now I am not to sure about what is next. I thought I knew the direction my life was heading and that quickly changed then changed again and again and now I am tired. I am so annoyed with all the shambles my life is in right now. Yet still, I have to be the tough one.

Ever get tired of being that tough one. The strongest person in the group who is often holding the most weight on their shoulders. Yeah, sucks right. well welcome to my life. Even though my faithful followers friends and family tell me otherwise I know and feel different. I probably am the strongest person many of you know it's not always sunny side up on this side. Being a strong person is harder then you think, your expected to be emotionless when all you may want to do is cry. Have to stand tall when all you may want to do is crumble. When you feel like it can't get much worse remember it can, and it can quickly. How worse it gets soley depends on you and how to react to when things do get worse.

XOXO,

Marecya

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1 Year and where is the change?

Last year I was having surgery. On November 1,2012 I was having my second surgery to remove another tumor. One year later here I am looking back and what do I have to say. Nothing positive. I have spent the last year of my life trying to find normal and I still have yet to do so. I fool myself everyday thinking I am normal. Well, I'm not in the slightest bit normal. You see cancer changed my life no matter how you look at it. I have become a different person beause of it. Last tuesday I was sitting in my aunts kitchen and she told me how proud she was of me, but she see this new peronality I have taken on that most peopleare not ready for.

Truth is when I found out I had cancer it broke my spirit and I thought I was going to die, an sometimes I dont think I will ever wake up from this nightmare. When you have surgery, then chemo, then have tests ran on you like your a lab rat almost bi-weekly you begin to think that is normal. Sad part is I can't say I remeber normal. I look at my friends and the only thing I do they they are doing is in school trying to graduate. Other then that they're the aliens in my world..LOL!

Pushing forward is tiring and honestly I would rather give up, sometimes the thought of giving up is easier then being poisoned with IV therapy, pills and radiation. Then I get the one text I need from a supporter telling me God has bigger plans for me. If I could pay to see these plans believe me I would. So to the woman named Cynthia Hawkins telling me to read Psalms 11, oh how you spoke to my life this morning and got me out of the bed. Verse 1 alone "In The Lord I put my trust;..." I will let that simmer on you all untll tomorrow.

XOXO,

Marecya

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