So somewhere in my perfect little world I thought that I would go have chemo, lose my hair, everything would go as planned and I would be fine, right...WRONG! My whit blood count has dropped below 400. Yeah, its supposed to be 2500-4000, but since poison was being flooded into my body everyday for a week 1000 is acceptable. So how did my counts drop to under 400 well I couldn't tell you that. What I can tell you is that when I got my blood drawn on January 17th it was 700, and when I got my blood drawn January 23rd it was under 400. So they have decided to postpone my chemotherapy for a week to make sure they don't completely kill whats left of my white blood cells, also known as my immune system.
I wouldn't have a problem with this if my current 3 week cycle didn't perfectly allow me to still participate in all the events I wanted to. Pretty much THIS SUCKS! I know I have cancer so I should be worried about my health but I actually like to consume myself in other things. I absolutely love it when I forget that I have cancer. When I go to Bowie State games and see my teammates cheering sucks, but times like that I actually forget that I have cancer, and I'm in between chemo cycles. I couldn't tell you why I do but i look forward to those moments.
I really hope my WBC comes back up, but the only reason I want them to come up is so i'm not confines to the house and I can forget for a few more moments that i'm sick. So when I called momo to ask her what can I do to speed this up she told me nothing but rest. -_- I HATE RESTING! It's not me i'm active I like to move around and be out and about doing something anything, but since i'm more scared of my grandmother then my doctor rest is what I shall be doing. I go get my blood drawn again on Monday morning and I pray my counts are back up because if they are not I can't say I can stay in this house much longer. If anyone has any home remedies. or herbal solutions i'm down for trying alomst anything at least once. Leave a comment with any suggestions :)
XOXO,
Marecya
Sunday, January 27, 2013
The Final Goodbye
Okay, I don't want to sound like a pain but the fact that my hair is falling out is really killing me. Point black I miss my hair and the fact that I have all these pics in my phone of my hair looking AMAZING makes it even worse. I'm not trying to be like depressed about my hair but I do miss my luscious locks of hair. I bet your asking yourself well, what is she going to do about it? So here's the plan i'm going to go to MAC and buy some fresh blush and foundation and a fresh cultured gloss then i'm going have them beat my face down for free, and after that I am going to go to the barbershop and have them take me down all the way like Amber Rose down and try not to care. What will this solve, the more my hair sheds, the more I cry about it the less strands I have to pull out the less tears I will have. Don't get me wrong I LOVED my hair cut it world for my little peanut head but the fact is that I should have made that cut a long time ago...but since you live and you learn i'll chalk that up to a learning experience and now I know I look entirely too good with short hair. Any who, I've decided to leave you all with some fabulous hair pics of me so you can have one last lust of my hair ;)
My point is that in all of these pictures my hair is on and poppington! I guess it's one of those things you never thought you would miss until it's actually gone and while I do love the new short style i've been rocking my hair is still going to fall out and it has already started the road to baby bottom bald. Now call me a creep but i've been saving most of the hair that falls out, yeah I know its weird, but it's my HAIR! Funny thing I used to judge everyone I know with dreads that saved their hair in a zip lock bag once they cut it, now i'm one of them.
So the hair started with a few strands now I have this STUPID bald spot on the top of my head -_- whoo sah! I'm going to get my life together soon and get a wig made. Hopefully I win this hair giveaway from one of my favs on youtube teasedblackpearlz go subscribe to her she makes everything look flawless. She is giving away 5 bundles of hair so you know I entered so everyone pray I win this hair because this wind on the back of my little neck is REAL! I've not fully come to terms with the fact I am going to lose all my hair I just try to cope with it bit by bit, day by day. This is the beginning so here's my final goodbye to my gorgeous hair you will soon find me again I know until then all I will have is the pictures, God willing they will mend my broken heart from the loss of my luscious locks. Ashes to ashes, dusk to dusk the final goodbye to my hair I must.
XOXO,
Marecya
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
I am not my hair...but I really am
I am absolutely distraught! Okay so my hair cut turned out absolutely AMAZING! It's fierce to the max! I realized that short hair is a lifestyle, so I adapted to the lifestyle it's glamorous so after I got my hair cut I got my eyebrows snatched, put some lashes on and some big earrings with my ever so faithful cultured by Mac gloss and I was 3 snaps fabulous feeling myself. There was a TV game at Bowie Saturday so I decided to surprise my teammates and come to the game with my new do and everyone LOVED MY HAIR! Even Coach T. who lives by the hash tag #longhairdontcare, so one would only assume I was feeling myself, yes Indeed. Sunday morning at church was a repeat of the game Saturday everyone LOVED my little bald self so you could only imaging that after so much positive feedback on my hair I would continue to be high on life. but of course that wouldn't last long it would only be right that the universe hates me as usual. My hair has started to fall out the first 8 strands I accidentally pulled out was shocking to say the least, however it still did not hot me that my hair is going to continue to fall out until there is no more.
Last night when I was finally ready to tap out for the evening the shedding only got worse and 8 strands quickly multiplied to 50 strands. I ran my fingers through my hair and a handful came out. I instantly lost my mind and began crying uncontrollably even though I cut my hair so that my hair falling out would not be so bad and I could feel in control of my hair loss it was a big fat lie and I cried, I cried hard and ugly. There is a song by India Arie called I am not my Hair. If you haven't listened to the song it's a great song you feel super empowered when you listen to it. Especially with all the unfortunate hair complexes that many black women have. I would love to say that I was not one of them but I am.
I loved my hair and if you know me personally you know how serious I am about my hair. My hair always looks BOMB DIGGITY!!!! Like fresh pin curls everyday! My hair always looked full, healthy, shiny and everyone always told me your hair looks good! Even when I cut my hair everyone STILL loved the little bit of hair I did have because I styled that hair dooowwwnnnn over the course of two days that have passed everyone still wanted my hair. I could step out in a paper bag but my hair would be laid. Sweat pants, no make-up crust in my eyes and you would still say my hair looked great. So I am my hair! I took pride in my luscious locks of hair, and now that it's falling out I'm mortified. I have not come to the terms that my hair is falling out and will continue to fall out, honestly I don't know when I will. I know it will grow back and according to my research when my hair grows back its going to be even more amazing then before and I may have a new natural hair color and I'm pretty much guaranteed an even more amazing texture then I had before, and let me tell you my texture was one to be envied.
Truth is I had a breakdown about my hair the one thing I though I actually prepared myself for. Okay so scratch every thing before and we shall start again. First my hair breakdown made one thing clear I am not prepared for the hair loss, skin discoloration, weight loss or any of the side effects of chemotherapy. Second, one can not properly prepare for the point unseen beyond the horizon until its reached, and third I need a new plan like now.
XOXO,
Marecya
Last night when I was finally ready to tap out for the evening the shedding only got worse and 8 strands quickly multiplied to 50 strands. I ran my fingers through my hair and a handful came out. I instantly lost my mind and began crying uncontrollably even though I cut my hair so that my hair falling out would not be so bad and I could feel in control of my hair loss it was a big fat lie and I cried, I cried hard and ugly. There is a song by India Arie called I am not my Hair. If you haven't listened to the song it's a great song you feel super empowered when you listen to it. Especially with all the unfortunate hair complexes that many black women have. I would love to say that I was not one of them but I am.
I loved my hair and if you know me personally you know how serious I am about my hair. My hair always looks BOMB DIGGITY!!!! Like fresh pin curls everyday! My hair always looked full, healthy, shiny and everyone always told me your hair looks good! Even when I cut my hair everyone STILL loved the little bit of hair I did have because I styled that hair dooowwwnnnn over the course of two days that have passed everyone still wanted my hair. I could step out in a paper bag but my hair would be laid. Sweat pants, no make-up crust in my eyes and you would still say my hair looked great. So I am my hair! I took pride in my luscious locks of hair, and now that it's falling out I'm mortified. I have not come to the terms that my hair is falling out and will continue to fall out, honestly I don't know when I will. I know it will grow back and according to my research when my hair grows back its going to be even more amazing then before and I may have a new natural hair color and I'm pretty much guaranteed an even more amazing texture then I had before, and let me tell you my texture was one to be envied.
Truth is I had a breakdown about my hair the one thing I though I actually prepared myself for. Okay so scratch every thing before and we shall start again. First my hair breakdown made one thing clear I am not prepared for the hair loss, skin discoloration, weight loss or any of the side effects of chemotherapy. Second, one can not properly prepare for the point unseen beyond the horizon until its reached, and third I need a new plan like now.
XOXO,
Marecya
Friday, January 18, 2013
Ummm. Not too sure about this folks---
I'm at the hair salon nervous for the end result is unknown. My task is cutting my hair. I'm so scared. Jesus take the wheel! End result with pics coming to you soon ;)
XOXO,
Marecya
XOXO,
Marecya
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The Silent Killer
Ovarian cancer is the FIFTH most common cancer among women, and it causes more deaths than any other type of female reproductive cancer. So where does it some from you ask, well of course The cause is unknown.
But here is where I obviously went wrong. I clearly should have had a kid right out of middle school, statistics show that the more children a woman has and the earlier in life the lower her risk for ovarian cancer, so shooting for kids in my 25-30 range maybe not the brightest idea now. Birth control pills, decrease the risk of ovarian cancer, so instead of taking birth control in college once again I was too late, maybe after I left elementary school would have been a better move. Seriously what kind of foolishness is this birth control at 12 to prevent cancer.
There is something called awareness people sheesh! Knowing what causes cancer, knowing the signs, the red flags the things you can prevent, and the things you have no control over. Ovarian Cancer is called the SILENT KILLER! I bet you're wondering why...simple because the symptoms are stupid everyday symptoms that nobody ever realizes until it's too late. Watch I'll give you the perfect excuse for every symptom. Bloating: I'm on or coming on my cycle, I just ate, I've been eating and I am getting fat. Difficulty Eating/ Feeling full quickly: I ate like a pig earlier, I guess I was not a hungry as I thought/ my eyes were bigger than my stomach. Lower abdominal pain: I didn't stretch before I worked out, I did too many ab's, I pulled a muscle. Abnormal Menstrual Cycles, The story of every female's life at some point or another. Increased urination: I finally started drinking more water. In addition to all of the symptoms being lame in my opinion you can easily ignore them, but that is not the way to go.
My point is there is a reason for everything. I personally had reasons for every symptom but as women we all need to do a better job of knowing our bodies, and know the things that can happen to our bodies. Yeah I know it wont happen to you, welp...I didn't think it would happen to me and here we are nearly a year later from my first surgery.
Do me a favor Get educated. know the risks, know the symptoms, and be aware. Protect the V ladies! Follow the links for some knowledge!
XOXO,
Marecya
Ovations for the cure
NOCC
There is something called awareness people sheesh! Knowing what causes cancer, knowing the signs, the red flags the things you can prevent, and the things you have no control over. Ovarian Cancer is called the SILENT KILLER! I bet you're wondering why...simple because the symptoms are stupid everyday symptoms that nobody ever realizes until it's too late. Watch I'll give you the perfect excuse for every symptom. Bloating: I'm on or coming on my cycle, I just ate, I've been eating and I am getting fat. Difficulty Eating/ Feeling full quickly: I ate like a pig earlier, I guess I was not a hungry as I thought/ my eyes were bigger than my stomach. Lower abdominal pain: I didn't stretch before I worked out, I did too many ab's, I pulled a muscle. Abnormal Menstrual Cycles, The story of every female's life at some point or another. Increased urination: I finally started drinking more water. In addition to all of the symptoms being lame in my opinion you can easily ignore them, but that is not the way to go.
My point is there is a reason for everything. I personally had reasons for every symptom but as women we all need to do a better job of knowing our bodies, and know the things that can happen to our bodies. Yeah I know it wont happen to you, welp...I didn't think it would happen to me and here we are nearly a year later from my first surgery.
Do me a favor Get educated. know the risks, know the symptoms, and be aware. Protect the V ladies! Follow the links for some knowledge!
XOXO,
Marecya
Ovations for the cure
NOCC
Thursday, January 10, 2013
My Silent Tears.
So the moment you all have been waiting for I shed tears. I did NOT want to get up on Wednesday morning to go to chemotherapy. Courtney literally had to get me out of bed because as my sister she saw the pain in my face on Wednesday. So I called in my chemo got into the shower and I cried. It wasn't a long cry but I shed the tears I had been holding in since Monday. Okay so flat out chemo is REAL! Between the nausea, and pure exhaustion chemo has had me done! Everyday I come home I pick between the two couches or the recliner which every knows is my dad's chair, and I am pretty sure the only reason I'm allowed is because I just had chemo earlier in the day.
Anyway my tears were quiet and they almost silently rolled down my face. In my heart I wanted to know if God was even paying attention to my little baby tears in the shower, and sure enough my answer came that evening when my mom arrived home. A young woman she works with sent a gift for me. This lady was the answer that God was sending to me telling me stop tripping, he knows it's tough, and that he didn't forget about me. Quick background on the woman her and her husband are out here living the best way they can, like any other young couple they have to work for everything they have, and they have to work hard. The words she told my mom were that she didn't have much but this small round box was given to her, and it helped her get through during her time at Howard University. The small wooden box contained scriptures, small scriptures rolled up and in true form God led my hand to pluck Isaiah 30:19 He will be very gracious unto thee at the voice of thy cry; when he hears it, he will answer thee. Wow! God is stirring up something serious for me folks.
Hands down the best gift anyone has ever given me, it moved my spirit in such a way that instantly gave me hope. Oh but God, don't you all just love how he drops by and does things like that in life. The stress of chemo has already started to become very irritating to me. I think i'm irritated because its a very tedious process. I can't get certain drugs together, I need my nausea medicine, the fluids make me pee, you all should be able to see how this would get old quickly however I'm determined to end my first week of chemo in high spirits. who know's maybe i'll even catch a movie after chemo or go to the mall...LOL! Yeah probable not but a girl can dream right.
Until my next post I want to throw a quick shout out to everyone who has sent me a text, said a prayer, or kept me in their thoughts. You are truly a saint and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, you have NO IDEA how much it means when someone tells me I'm thinking of and praying for you. So thank you, thank you, thank you everyone. Be blessed and until next time...
XOXO,
Marecya
Anyway my tears were quiet and they almost silently rolled down my face. In my heart I wanted to know if God was even paying attention to my little baby tears in the shower, and sure enough my answer came that evening when my mom arrived home. A young woman she works with sent a gift for me. This lady was the answer that God was sending to me telling me stop tripping, he knows it's tough, and that he didn't forget about me. Quick background on the woman her and her husband are out here living the best way they can, like any other young couple they have to work for everything they have, and they have to work hard. The words she told my mom were that she didn't have much but this small round box was given to her, and it helped her get through during her time at Howard University. The small wooden box contained scriptures, small scriptures rolled up and in true form God led my hand to pluck Isaiah 30:19 He will be very gracious unto thee at the voice of thy cry; when he hears it, he will answer thee. Wow! God is stirring up something serious for me folks.
Hands down the best gift anyone has ever given me, it moved my spirit in such a way that instantly gave me hope. Oh but God, don't you all just love how he drops by and does things like that in life. The stress of chemo has already started to become very irritating to me. I think i'm irritated because its a very tedious process. I can't get certain drugs together, I need my nausea medicine, the fluids make me pee, you all should be able to see how this would get old quickly however I'm determined to end my first week of chemo in high spirits. who know's maybe i'll even catch a movie after chemo or go to the mall...LOL! Yeah probable not but a girl can dream right.
Until my next post I want to throw a quick shout out to everyone who has sent me a text, said a prayer, or kept me in their thoughts. You are truly a saint and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, you have NO IDEA how much it means when someone tells me I'm thinking of and praying for you. So thank you, thank you, thank you everyone. Be blessed and until next time...
XOXO,
Marecya
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
The Things That Keep Us Strong
Then Ron introduced himself a cancer survivor turned volunteer who gave me the most elaborate story in life. To sum his cancer story up he was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma and he saw the light about 5 times. He had 2 stokes, lost his eyesight temporarily, became a vegetable then turned his life around and here he stands before you today. Lol if you think I was being dramatic I promise I wasn't. Oh yeah he used to be an alcoholic R&B singer true story I am not making this up but the one thing I got from Ron's story is to never give up on myself.
They sent him home to die and he pushed through everything. God said if there was one thing he won't do and that's leave you or forsake you. My faith in God is stronger than this. Obviously I get depressed because I'm human and every morning I wake up to hair on my pillow is saddens me, the same way I get depressed when I look at me body in the mirror and see all of my skin discoloration or my battle wounds as I like to call them, but through it all one thing that always comes to me is God gives his biggest battles to his toughest soldiers.
My struggle is something unimaginable to me at my age but the strength I'm learning even though I may fail before I succeed is something that will humble me for the years to come in my life.
XOXO,
Marecya
They sent him home to die and he pushed through everything. God said if there was one thing he won't do and that's leave you or forsake you. My faith in God is stronger than this. Obviously I get depressed because I'm human and every morning I wake up to hair on my pillow is saddens me, the same way I get depressed when I look at me body in the mirror and see all of my skin discoloration or my battle wounds as I like to call them, but through it all one thing that always comes to me is God gives his biggest battles to his toughest soldiers.
My struggle is something unimaginable to me at my age but the strength I'm learning even though I may fail before I succeed is something that will humble me for the years to come in my life.
XOXO,
Marecya
Monday, January 7, 2013
And The Journey Begins
Yeah this was actually supposed to posted yesterday but since i was running off of fumes (literally fumes) after my first day of chemo I got you guys today. My morning began at the crack of dawn. Like 5:30 my dad woke me up reminding me of the obvious, that I had to be at the hospital at 8 for chemo. So I had a pulmonary function test before chemo began to make sure the chemo didn't totally kill my lungs, you all know I was hoping they would deem me unfit but of course my lungs were fine. So I had my chemo education class. Home girl was thorough she broke chemo down like never before and honestly I took two things from the class. First, if my temp is 100.5 I better be on my way to an emergency room. Second, I'm doing all I can, the nurses and hospital staff are doing their part and the rest is up to God! That was my selling point of course.
She talked about the fatigue, hair loss, nausea, weight loss, and the fact that my already non existent immune system will be further diminished. Oh yeah and did I mention I can die. I love how death is always a side effect. But then they began to make my chemo solutions. It takes 90 minuets to make so tomorrow I will be calling ahead. In the mean time I was given fluids with electrolytes, potassium,nausea medicine, and Tylenol. Yeah intense right. So the nurse putting my IV in drained me, because she went for a vein I really feel like she shouldn't have but hey I'm no nurse so who am I to judge. They whipped up my batch of chemo and my slow drip began. I wasn't super comfy but I was okay until the nausea and the headache kicked in. The fluids kept making me have to pee and every time I got up I felt nauseous, I'm sure you all can see how this whole chemo thing became irritating.
Lets just say my first day of chemo was NOT the business.
xoxo
Marecya
She talked about the fatigue, hair loss, nausea, weight loss, and the fact that my already non existent immune system will be further diminished. Oh yeah and did I mention I can die. I love how death is always a side effect. But then they began to make my chemo solutions. It takes 90 minuets to make so tomorrow I will be calling ahead. In the mean time I was given fluids with electrolytes, potassium,nausea medicine, and Tylenol. Yeah intense right. So the nurse putting my IV in drained me, because she went for a vein I really feel like she shouldn't have but hey I'm no nurse so who am I to judge. They whipped up my batch of chemo and my slow drip began. I wasn't super comfy but I was okay until the nausea and the headache kicked in. The fluids kept making me have to pee and every time I got up I felt nauseous, I'm sure you all can see how this whole chemo thing became irritating.
Lets just say my first day of chemo was NOT the business.
xoxo
Marecya
Sunday, January 6, 2013
For when I am weak, thats when I am strong
I woke up from the anesthesia to a room full of people, totally out of it I pressed my morphine button and quickly went back to sleep. This cycle repeated until later that night. The next day I got the best surprise ever my grandmother had flown to take care of me. The next 6 days I stayed in the hospital everyone came to see me and stayed around and made me feel good. This time however the pain from surgery was so intense and I hadn't passed any gas so I had to walk around the hospital to try and pass gas, they gave me a suppository. Ugh! It was horrible needless to say. I came home and was feeling terrible it was worse than the first, but you know I had to go vote on election day, which was the easiest thing by far. Nobody questions someone who says they just had surgery and I walked straight to the front of the line to cast my vote.
Later that evening I called my doctors office complaining about the pain and nurse was telling me how luck I am that I caught Dr. Steren before he took his 3 week leave. See y'all thought I was crazy but it was the divine hand of God that allowed me to be ratchet and drive myself to the emergency room. Any who over the next month and a half my momo hung around the house with me, she made me walk around the kitchen island every chance she got. But of course there's always something and the universe hates me as usual I fell down the stairs, up the stairs, out the shower, in the shower and I feel like I fell out either the bed or a chair. Tragic near death experience that I have so frequently become a blur after a while. Back to my life in the early part of December I went to see Dr. Deborah Armstrong and John Hopkins University Hospital to discuss treatment options. She said the word I had been dreading Chemotherapy.
After she said that I really zoned out then after she added I will lose my hair,and I will undergo chemo for the next 4-6 months I turned on my selective listing. Honestly guys I was hurt off that news okay I'm going to break it down to you. Let's pretend were in a medical kitchen. Let's add a little rat poison, battery acid, cyanide, a dash of nuclear waste and bio hazardous material, last but not least a hint of kryptonite. Okay not really but that's what chemotherapy is straight POISON! From the moment I left that office I was determined to make the best of 2012 that was left and I did. I gave 2012 with all I've got. I had 2 surgeries in one year. My life should have been in shambles 2 times in one year. I should have been knocked down 2 times in one year but I wasn't. Here I am sitting on my couch blogging to you guys. Few things have gotten through this entire year and they are in this order God, my family and friends, and reality tv.
Yeah I know I didn't start off by giving honor to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but then again this is my blog and not yours. I had a short beefing period with God I'm going to be honest, I know you guys are like how dare she beef with God...well he knew we was beefin Oh but God in true fashion still loved me through my fake beef with him. 2 Corinthians 12:10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. That verse is my life because at my weakest point by God's hand you have no idea how strong I am. Me getting out of bed in the morning is only by him giving me that strength, because really guys I wake up saddened every morning. Now my family they hate me, my friends hate me just because I drain them with my theatrics everyday, but without them I would have fallen after my first surgery. Reality TV, if you don't find it entertaining your dry and lifeless, and you have absolutely no sense of humor.Okay so here we are the night before I begin chemotherapy. I'm so scared for tomorrow. I'm nervous. I honestly don't want to go through this not in the slightest bit, so send up your prayers for me tomorrow because I already know I am going to be a train wreck. This is my last Sunday on the first Sunday of the year.
XOXO,
Marecya
Later that evening I called my doctors office complaining about the pain and nurse was telling me how luck I am that I caught Dr. Steren before he took his 3 week leave. See y'all thought I was crazy but it was the divine hand of God that allowed me to be ratchet and drive myself to the emergency room. Any who over the next month and a half my momo hung around the house with me, she made me walk around the kitchen island every chance she got. But of course there's always something and the universe hates me as usual I fell down the stairs, up the stairs, out the shower, in the shower and I feel like I fell out either the bed or a chair. Tragic near death experience that I have so frequently become a blur after a while. Back to my life in the early part of December I went to see Dr. Deborah Armstrong and John Hopkins University Hospital to discuss treatment options. She said the word I had been dreading Chemotherapy.
After she said that I really zoned out then after she added I will lose my hair,and I will undergo chemo for the next 4-6 months I turned on my selective listing. Honestly guys I was hurt off that news okay I'm going to break it down to you. Let's pretend were in a medical kitchen. Let's add a little rat poison, battery acid, cyanide, a dash of nuclear waste and bio hazardous material, last but not least a hint of kryptonite. Okay not really but that's what chemotherapy is straight POISON! From the moment I left that office I was determined to make the best of 2012 that was left and I did. I gave 2012 with all I've got. I had 2 surgeries in one year. My life should have been in shambles 2 times in one year. I should have been knocked down 2 times in one year but I wasn't. Here I am sitting on my couch blogging to you guys. Few things have gotten through this entire year and they are in this order God, my family and friends, and reality tv.
Yeah I know I didn't start off by giving honor to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but then again this is my blog and not yours. I had a short beefing period with God I'm going to be honest, I know you guys are like how dare she beef with God...well he knew we was beefin Oh but God in true fashion still loved me through my fake beef with him. 2 Corinthians 12:10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. That verse is my life because at my weakest point by God's hand you have no idea how strong I am. Me getting out of bed in the morning is only by him giving me that strength, because really guys I wake up saddened every morning. Now my family they hate me, my friends hate me just because I drain them with my theatrics everyday, but without them I would have fallen after my first surgery. Reality TV, if you don't find it entertaining your dry and lifeless, and you have absolutely no sense of humor.Okay so here we are the night before I begin chemotherapy. I'm so scared for tomorrow. I'm nervous. I honestly don't want to go through this not in the slightest bit, so send up your prayers for me tomorrow because I already know I am going to be a train wreck. This is my last Sunday on the first Sunday of the year.
XOXO,
Marecya
Here we go again...
School started off great! The only thing I was weary about was my capstone seminar only because it A. Pass or Fail and B. It was only offered in the Fall but, other than that I was having it up! So press the FF button on life and lets press play just before Hurricane Sandy decided to grace the east coast with her presence. I didn't mind Sandy dropping by initially because campus was closed and classes were canceled, just like a little kid waiting for their school system to roll across the news channel I was waiting for the campus closed alert to come to my phone. Then there it was in big bold letters CAMPUS CLOSED! In addition to myself not having class neither of my parents had to work and my sister stayed home from work as well. Can you say family time and a nice big family breakfast, I was thrilled needless to say. My dad pretty much is THE MAN at his job and I like to think without his brains his entire school would fall apart, yeah my dad is that amazing.
Well everyone knows no school means well, no school but along with that comes boredom. So while my sister and I were twiddling our thumbs watching reruns of sex in the city. So i'm laying on the floor and the pain from March is back with vengeance. My side hurts, since I decided to stop playing with pain I told my sister my side hurt she said what do you wanna do I said go to the emergency room, her response Marecya your dramatic. She proceeded to go get my mom and my mom asked the same series of questions where does it hurt? how does it feel? why does it hurt? SERIOUSLY MOM?!?! I DON'T KNOW WHY IT HURTS! My mom got tired of my attitude quickly and went back upstairs. I could only take a few more minuets of pain so I got up and got myself ready to go to the emergency room. I put on some camo pants, hoodie, uggs and handy dandy north face and I was ready to go, the only thing that was stopping me was my sisters car that was parked behind me. I nicely asked her to move it she asked where I was going I said the ER she said why I said because we got into an argument I rolled my eyes and went back upstairs. I then asked my mom to move my sisters car and the same thing happened I finally gave up and moved her car on my own and drove myself to the emergency room.
Before I could leave my neighborhood I received an angry call from my dad he apparently didn't like the way I made the executive decision to take myself to the emergency. So I got there checked myself in and the infamous emergency room wait begun. I was there from 3 pm until 12 am. The told me all of the things I already knew. My liver was fine, my kidneys were fine,and I wasn't pregnant. I knew things were on and popping when they decided to give me a CT scan. God had answered my prayers and I knew I was going to get a verdict soon. I drank the nasty drink and they gave me the scan. I knew it was getting real when Dr. Mango ( yes mango I made a joke about him having a fruit name) said thy saw a mass in my lower right abdomen. I instantly knew a few things 1. It was not a mass or a cyst it was another tumor and Dr. Mango needs to quit faking on me. 2. Somebody needed to call Dr. Steren and tell him to meet me at Holy Cross Hospital. Lastly I was going to have another surgery. So they put in my transfer papers for Holy Cross and off we went. I was supposed to be immediately, but you see I hadn't eaten all day long so we stopped at home for a sammich ;) Then we went to Holy Cross. Me and dad got to Holy Cross and the real wait began. I got a few more tests and then finally they gave me drugs for the pain. Okay my FAV DRUG EVER is called Dilodid (sp) it knocked me out so fast, it felt like a wave crashing into me, yeah it sounds creepy but I felt so good. At 7 am they finally admitted me to my hospital room. I was put on a liquid diet given the goods to make me have the runs and I was scheduled for surgery at 6 am Thursday November 1, 2012. Annoying right... I had like 5 different breakdowns on Wednesday. However shout out to my good company they stayed with me into the wee hours of the morning and my boyfriend (who you will get the back story on later) stayed with me in the baby sized hospital bed all night. So the next morning they took me down for surgery I wasn't as nervous this time Dr. Steren met with me and told me what I needed to know he changed into what he called his "play clothes" and he operated on me again for the second time in 6 months. This one was going to be was worse than the first one.
XOXO,
Marecya
Well everyone knows no school means well, no school but along with that comes boredom. So while my sister and I were twiddling our thumbs watching reruns of sex in the city. So i'm laying on the floor and the pain from March is back with vengeance. My side hurts, since I decided to stop playing with pain I told my sister my side hurt she said what do you wanna do I said go to the emergency room, her response Marecya your dramatic. She proceeded to go get my mom and my mom asked the same series of questions where does it hurt? how does it feel? why does it hurt? SERIOUSLY MOM?!?! I DON'T KNOW WHY IT HURTS! My mom got tired of my attitude quickly and went back upstairs. I could only take a few more minuets of pain so I got up and got myself ready to go to the emergency room. I put on some camo pants, hoodie, uggs and handy dandy north face and I was ready to go, the only thing that was stopping me was my sisters car that was parked behind me. I nicely asked her to move it she asked where I was going I said the ER she said why I said because we got into an argument I rolled my eyes and went back upstairs. I then asked my mom to move my sisters car and the same thing happened I finally gave up and moved her car on my own and drove myself to the emergency room.
Before I could leave my neighborhood I received an angry call from my dad he apparently didn't like the way I made the executive decision to take myself to the emergency. So I got there checked myself in and the infamous emergency room wait begun. I was there from 3 pm until 12 am. The told me all of the things I already knew. My liver was fine, my kidneys were fine,and I wasn't pregnant. I knew things were on and popping when they decided to give me a CT scan. God had answered my prayers and I knew I was going to get a verdict soon. I drank the nasty drink and they gave me the scan. I knew it was getting real when Dr. Mango ( yes mango I made a joke about him having a fruit name) said thy saw a mass in my lower right abdomen. I instantly knew a few things 1. It was not a mass or a cyst it was another tumor and Dr. Mango needs to quit faking on me. 2. Somebody needed to call Dr. Steren and tell him to meet me at Holy Cross Hospital. Lastly I was going to have another surgery. So they put in my transfer papers for Holy Cross and off we went. I was supposed to be immediately, but you see I hadn't eaten all day long so we stopped at home for a sammich ;) Then we went to Holy Cross. Me and dad got to Holy Cross and the real wait began. I got a few more tests and then finally they gave me drugs for the pain. Okay my FAV DRUG EVER is called Dilodid (sp) it knocked me out so fast, it felt like a wave crashing into me, yeah it sounds creepy but I felt so good. At 7 am they finally admitted me to my hospital room. I was put on a liquid diet given the goods to make me have the runs and I was scheduled for surgery at 6 am Thursday November 1, 2012. Annoying right... I had like 5 different breakdowns on Wednesday. However shout out to my good company they stayed with me into the wee hours of the morning and my boyfriend (who you will get the back story on later) stayed with me in the baby sized hospital bed all night. So the next morning they took me down for surgery I wasn't as nervous this time Dr. Steren met with me and told me what I needed to know he changed into what he called his "play clothes" and he operated on me again for the second time in 6 months. This one was going to be was worse than the first one.
XOXO,
Marecya
Friday, January 4, 2013
But of course, something else happened.
April 5, 2012 I was scheduled to have surgery at 5 pm. I was going to have a laparotomy right salpingo-oophorectomy in english I was going to have my right ovary removed and cut horizontal across my bikini line. All those extra letters for nothing. So the day before my surgery I began my liquid diet, and while I ate 2 scrambled eggs with salt and pepper, however my dad cooks a breakfast of champions for himself. I'm talking eggs, sausage, grits and toast...selfish right yeah it was, I would just like to say for the record I was really in my feelings over breakfast, but that was nothing compared to my feelings on the bowl prep I had to begin later that day not to worry I've decided to spare you the details of that. The next morning I showered with this horrible soap that did nothing for my skin but leave me dry, itchy and very ashy. After I arrived to the hospital and signed my life away my mom and sister kept me company until surgery when my dad came back to see me we had family prayer, I was given something to relax me the last thing I remember I was being wheeled down the hallway for surgery.
My first memory waking up in the recovery room asking for my sister (for some reason I tend to do this every time I am put under anesthesia) When I woke up my mom told me the mass was bening that was by far the best news I herd in my life. I stayed in the hospital for the next two days and then was discharged to go home. Going home was by far the worst thing EVER! I expressed to my mom thoroughly how I had so much respect for her because after she had her C-sections she actually took care of my sister and I,while all I did after my laparotomy was whine about the pain. Two weeks later I went for my follow up, a routine follow up appointment after my surgery, or so I thought. When my surgeon entered the exam room he examined my incision told me it was healing well and I was liking what he was saying. "Now onto the pathology report" he said, and for some reason I got queasy. Dr. Steren said my tumor the one they originally said was bening was actually found to be cancerous and they needed to send it to the tumor board at John Hopkins University Hospital to rate my tumor that was now cancerous. In two weeks the results came in and they were not in my favor. The tumor was in fact cancerous but it was in it's first stage, because of my age and the stage of the tumor my treatment was more so monitoring than invasive. I was to get blood work every month, CT scans every 6 months and pelvic exams every 6 months. It didn't sound too bad, so I didn't mind it.
Over the next few weeks I felt like I was losing my mind thinking how could this be happening to me, what did I ever do to deserve this and why would my life ever be ruined with cancer. It was hard to cope with everything that was happening to me but the more I was moving around and getting out and about my life began slowly bouncing back, and i was feeling much more like myself. I started hanging out with my friends again and being bubbly Marecya once again. My birthday was July 6th I turned 21 and decided to take my talents to Atlantic City and boy did I enjoy myself, I will put it like this the entire car ride home on Sunday was filling in my memory lapses. Needless to say my entire summer was spent in good company and living for the nights I couldn't remember, making memories with the people I couldn't forget. The summer came to a smooth close and the Fall 2012 semester started and I was amped up and ready for the year. It was my senior year, and you couldn't tell me I wasn't going to thoroughly enjoy every bit of it. Nobody knew how short lived my happiness would be including myself.
My first memory waking up in the recovery room asking for my sister (for some reason I tend to do this every time I am put under anesthesia) When I woke up my mom told me the mass was bening that was by far the best news I herd in my life. I stayed in the hospital for the next two days and then was discharged to go home. Going home was by far the worst thing EVER! I expressed to my mom thoroughly how I had so much respect for her because after she had her C-sections she actually took care of my sister and I,while all I did after my laparotomy was whine about the pain. Two weeks later I went for my follow up, a routine follow up appointment after my surgery, or so I thought. When my surgeon entered the exam room he examined my incision told me it was healing well and I was liking what he was saying. "Now onto the pathology report" he said, and for some reason I got queasy. Dr. Steren said my tumor the one they originally said was bening was actually found to be cancerous and they needed to send it to the tumor board at John Hopkins University Hospital to rate my tumor that was now cancerous. In two weeks the results came in and they were not in my favor. The tumor was in fact cancerous but it was in it's first stage, because of my age and the stage of the tumor my treatment was more so monitoring than invasive. I was to get blood work every month, CT scans every 6 months and pelvic exams every 6 months. It didn't sound too bad, so I didn't mind it.
Over the next few weeks I felt like I was losing my mind thinking how could this be happening to me, what did I ever do to deserve this and why would my life ever be ruined with cancer. It was hard to cope with everything that was happening to me but the more I was moving around and getting out and about my life began slowly bouncing back, and i was feeling much more like myself. I started hanging out with my friends again and being bubbly Marecya once again. My birthday was July 6th I turned 21 and decided to take my talents to Atlantic City and boy did I enjoy myself, I will put it like this the entire car ride home on Sunday was filling in my memory lapses. Needless to say my entire summer was spent in good company and living for the nights I couldn't remember, making memories with the people I couldn't forget. The summer came to a smooth close and the Fall 2012 semester started and I was amped up and ready for the year. It was my senior year, and you couldn't tell me I wasn't going to thoroughly enjoy every bit of it. Nobody knew how short lived my happiness would be including myself.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
What The HECK???....I'm Pregnant?!?!?!
That's half of a whole pregnancy, and that was not what she was supposed to say, I was still convinced I had appendicitis! That's what webmd does to you, it makes you crazy. So after my obvious frustration with the tech she reminded me that she was not the doctor and he would have to confirm her findings...smh yeah that made me feel so much better. Once my heart rate dropped back to normal she added "well if it is a baby it's not alive and the pregnancy is not viable" I know you are thinking she can't be serious, oh but I am so serious. Let's just say I had a very heated phone call with my primary care physician who just ran a pregnancy test on me earlier that day. So after another visit to my primary care physician, my OB/GYN, and what felt like thousands of blood tests and scans later I was told I was not pregnant and instead I had a mass that was huge kinda like a 20 week old fetus (I later found out that they type of tumor I have looks like a fetus from the view of an ultrasound) My mass was bigger than a newborn baby's head (which is 10 cm btw). Oh but don't worry it gets better, the mass was wrapped around my right ovary and they both needed to come out...draining right.
My first thought was OMG! I'm never going to have kids, yeah well if I would have paid attention in health class during the sex and reproduction section I would have known that's why God blessed us ladies with two ovaries in case something happens to one you always have a spare. So the next step was to the have a visit with the man who would be holding the knife. March 30th I was scheduled to see a gynecological oncologist who informed me of the severity of the mass and that I needed surgery right away. I asked Dr. Steren so many questions and so many more hypothetical questions (always have to cover the what-if's) of anything that could happen, he provided me with answers that instilled me with so much confidence in him, so I was ready not really but ready enough. Although I was super scared and nervous It was planned April 5, 2012 at 5pm I was going under the knife. I was going to undergo my first surgery and what I thought would be my last, but more important it was what I just knew would be the solution to all my life issues right....wrong, it would only be right that my series of unfortunate events were just beginning.
XOXO,
Marecya
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
My Life...My Words...
Hi, My Name is Marecya. Let's see the basics... I am 21 and I study Political Science at Bowie State University. Gymnast turned Cheerleader (knee problems never have a good outcome at age 16) I was born In Minnesota, but I call Minnesota, Mississippi and Maryland my home. Oh yeah and I have Ovarian Cancer, yup there it is that's the punchline...the story of my life. The worst part is I am or was a perfectly healthy at the time 20 year old. Clearly this was the biggest lie of my life. I bet your wondering why me, what makes me so special? Why should you read my blog? Because I am as real as it gets. I am simply a 21 year old college student. I love to shop, hangout and party like any other red blooded american my age, I am extremely active and me having cancer is pure foolishness...or at least that what I like to call it. My blog is just me, and of course on occasion i'll be a disgruntled cancer patient but all of my up's down's and around's are here for you. My weakness for you to gain strength. Bringing awareness to Ovarian Cancer which btw is the number 5 killer in women -_- yeah I know crazy right. Read it because you love what I have to say and you will become captivated in my journey trying to uplift others battling life's troubles while my own head is barley above the water. I'm going to take 2013 by storm hope ya'll are coming along!!!
XOXO,
Marecya
XOXO,
Marecya
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