Have you ever felt like you were alone, like all alone in he world. I have plenty of times in my life. I just felt like people just don't get me or understand who I am and what I need all the time. I don't think I ask for much but at the same time what is too much? I've encountered some depression over these past few days. Mainly because it's graduation season, and i'm supposed to be prancing across the stage getting my degree...but you see the way my cancer is set up i'm a little behind in school LOL! (true kevin hart fans would have caught that). I have no problems graduating late, but I feel like such a failure sometimes. I look at my older sister who graduated from UMBC last spring with her bachelors degree, and is graduating from UMBC this spring with her masters. Yeah I know what an overachiever. I love my sister dearly, but I sometimes hate all her accomplishments because they look amazing next to all my life blemishes.
Well cancer is more of a life struggle, but you get the point. I don't think I ask for much. I just want to graduate, plain and simple, nothing more nothing less. Today during the adventures of Marecya and Shawn, we ended up in the halls of Bowie High School where we both graduated from in 2009. Shawn and his fraternity brothers were doing a small performance for the high school kids at their class night, somehow I got sucked into tagging along. Of course shawn heard them say five o'clock and they went on at half past six, so we strolled down memory lane also known as the halls of Bowie High. As we roamed the hallways of our old stomping grounds I couldn't help but wish I was bak in high school when life was easier. I began to think am I really where I want to be in life? My answer was no. If I didn't have cancer would I be graduating and would I be happy with my life? Yes. My senior year in high school I stood out, I did great in school while my sisters freshman year in college could have been better. The days when I was all smiles and giggles, there was no stress or pressure.
Obviously we all have to grow up, but the fact that when we begin to grow we begin to see how cruel life really is. Today on campus I came across a young lady who has cervical cancer and for one it seemed like everything around she and I stopped as we talked about our common ground. The days I spend with my survivor sisters from The Teal is a big deal foundation I feel like i'm in my zone. It's like were all on the same page, and I never have to feel alone because they all know how I feel. When they stepped into my life things got better for me but still the battle is tough and the road is unsympathetic to emotions. Although I know that, and I freely admit it over and over again on my blog, the fact remains that my positioning is difficult, and few know the road I travel. Now do not confuse this blog post for something it is not. I am so proud of all my friends and sister that will be graduating. It's simply a bittersweet moment where I wish I too was sharing the joy if walking across the stage with my peers.
Becoming content with the detour God has placed me on is the biggest prt of the puzzle, and I am positive once I get that piece in place everything else will ease right in. Although I know my time will come, and when I do take that walk across the stage the taste will be even sweeter than it would have been before. Blood, sweat, tears, and struggle would have gone into the second biggest accomplishment in my life. When i finally BEAT CANCER, it WILL be my greatest accomplishment for as long as I live. I will defeat something that tried diligently to kill me, and it will truly be the sweetest thing I know.
XOXO,
Marecya
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