The people who enter your life in the strangest way, are almost always the kindest people to you. Roughly a year ago I physically met Deondra. I had heard about her for years she was Jay's ex-gf turned life guru/best-friend. Now I know what your thinking, but Deondra wasn't your typical ex-gf, I knew this the very first time she extended herself as a friend, well she was a little tipsy but it was so genuine. From that moment I realized she had a beautiful heart and she not only wanted the best for her friend but she also wanted the best for me. A stranger wanting the best for me. This morning was particularly tough for me I feel myself going on a slump. In all honesty folks things are just not looking in my favor. My appointment went all the way south, Jay is some kind of pissed/ hurt that I've changed, the lack there of structure in my life is stressing me out and I want a break from all the stress and I want somebody to remember the old bubbly me.
This morning somebody did, of all my friends and family the one who did was Deondra. The same person who according to society I shouldn't be "friends" with, Deondra sent me an email that brought me to tears. She reminded me I AM SICK! Consuming myself with the troubles of ill thoughts from "friends" or the people rooting for me to fail will not cut it. NOBODY can understand what I am going through. NOBODY can judge me for what I say I feel, or what I choose to do. Over this year I have changed, I fully admit it. I stopped being a student and stopped having a regular flow to life. It caused me to stop doing the little things that Jay loved, not intentionally but it happened. It caused me to stop thinking of life in a positive manner, and I began to thing everything was going to be bad all of the time. I've reached my breaking point. There is only so much I can bear from people who know NOTHING OF WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH! Hell yeah I smile in public and look fabulous when i'm out running the streets because if I didn't you all would look at me sideways. If I rolled out the house looking how I feel you all would hate me. So because I slap on a fake smile you forget i'm human. Negative. I have feelings I feel pain, I suffer, but to survive I had to push forward. I have to swallow up my pain for breakfast and grind through the pain. I've hurt more in the past year than some of you will hurt in your lives.
I am entitled to every pain and emotion that I feel, and yet I still smile. I smile for you, we all smile for you, everyone battling cancer smiles for the people around them because we damn sure don't smile for ourselves. We are tired, beat-up, worn down, told terrible news before we get better news, and we smile not for ourselves, but we smile for YOU! The one time many of us are asking to be selfish, sometimes we cant even get that. People can't understand that we will snap back but right now while I'm experiencing this storm I want to be selfish, and no matter how selfish we are we still find the way to smile for you! Our friends, our family, our signifiant others, our co-workers. We do it for you and the little thing we ask is to be selfish at the time when we need to be the most, even though were not being selfish by simply doing what we do best. Smiling through the pain. Deondra has seen me truly grow, she saw me be at point where I was happy and are free, and at a point where I was feeling the lows of the lows. She pointed something very distinct to me. She reminded me who I am, I am the one who gives all praise and glory to God. That I am the one who prays about everything and worries about nothing. She reminded me that my God's power, grace and mercy stretches so wide it allows him to be the first, the last and everything in between, the alpha and omega for my greek folks, he is the everlasting father, hosanna, the prince of peace. He is almighty and awesome and the nerve of me to ever think otherwise.
She reminded me my breakthrough is coming. God has taken everything from me, including my sanity, and I ain't even mad at him. See, you and God get a certain type of understanding when he loves you enough to take everything, because when he takes everything you thought was once right he's always preparing to give you something way more. See what i've learned is that God will be the only one who I can depend on 24/7 365 days a year and I should not EXPECT anyone else to. Yes it's nice to have friends and bf's and co-workers rooting for you but God will be the only one still there when everyone leaves you because they're sick of your crap. He will be the only one still there after everyone leaves you because you changed. God will be the only one there when it feels like the people who love you don't understand or walk away from you. God will carry you through the tireless nights it is he who is truly able to keep us from stumbling, and it is he who is responsible for the breath of life I breathe this very moment.
After your last fan leaves and they're ready to turn the lights off GOD will be he one who lights your way. People often wonder why Deondra and I can talk like we have known each other for years. The proof is in the email. Good people always recognize good people.
XOXO,
Marecya
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